The World of Wal-Mart

I have never had as passionate of a love/hate relationship as I have with Wal-Mart.  I love Price Chopper, Tops, Target, K-Mart.  However I loathe driving store to store.  It’s exhausting.  If I can get everything I need in one stop, I am there.  Enter angels playing harps, saints singing and the Wal-Mart logo shining in the light at the end of the tunnel.  You need socks, raisins, a picture frame and grapes?  Wal-Mart.  Tampons, a gift for a child’s birthday party, bread and eggs?  Wal-Mart. 

Now if you have a need for a strapless bra and have a cup size bigger than a D, you are shit out of luck.  First of all, purchasers for Wal-Mart, let me tell you something about life.  If you are rocking an “AA” cup, you probably don’t really need a strapless bra.  Or a bra at all.  Get some duct tape to cover up the nipples, and you are good to go.  And for those women who are fortunate, and yes I said fortunate, enough to rock those A’s- don’t wish for bigger.  Believe me, bigger may be better in lots of situation…..bigger bank account, bigger house, men ; ) , bigger pay raises, etc.  In the boobage department less is better.  So remove some of those AA bras from the shelves and stock up on some bigger bras for the ladies who need that support.  Believe me when I say those tiny ta-ta ladies are shopping Victoria’s Secret. 

Next, Wal-Mart hands down has the rudest people shopping there.  I get cart rage maneuvering down the aisles.  When we almost play bumper carts and I smile and say, “Sorry”, Bitch do not roll your eyes at me.  I am carrying a couponing bag.  It contains scissors.  I will cut you.  Okay, maybe I won’t.  Maybe I just like to pretend I am street for life, a bad ass you don’t ever cross with an eye roll.  But I will give you the stink eye and silently in my mind threaten to cut you with my child safety scissors!

Seriously though, what about placing your hands on a Wal-Mart shopping cart turns a majority of people into rude, miserable beings?  This is not a highway, there is no one who has a right of way.  When you come flying down the aisle, keep in mind the people around the corner can not see you coming so just proceed with caution.  Maybe try smiling.  Maybe don’t drop the “F” bomb when you are screeching at your filthy little children. 

And Ladies, how the hell and who the hell pisses on a toilet seat and just leaves it there in a LADIES room??  We don’t aim, it’s just squat and release!  On that note, who the hell doesn’t feel the need to flush in a public restroom??  That is NASTY!  If you are that gross in public, I would hate to see your bathroom at home.  I always make sure I don’t leave an evidence trail.  If you have to perform the triple flush, you do it.  If you have to report a clogged toilet to customer service, you act like you found it like that instead of you clogging it yourself.  And if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. 

If you are a cashier, I do not need to know about the raging case of diarrhea your lunch gave you.  As I watch you handle each item I bought, each grocery item and you are telling me, a complete stranger, about the cramps that are wrecking havoc on your intestines.

Finally, I don’t care who you are.  I don’t care if you are a shopper, an employee or the damn owner of Wal-Mart.  DO NOT stand in front of the entrances/exits and smoke your chemical filled cigarettes.  You have every choice to smoke, do it in your car.  I should not have to walk through that cloud to leave or enter.  And even more infuriating, my children should NEVER have to breathe that in.  Stand off to the side, where no other people are.   Be courteous. 

While these are all things I LOATHE about Wal-Mart, their low prices and convenient Super store always draws me back.  I just wish people would be more aware of their surroundings…you never know when a crazy Mama with child safety scissors may be lurking!

I Know Why Female Praying Mantis Eat Their Mates…

I know of these three things to be true:

A.  I have not taken my Zoloft in two days now.  I have been so busy I haven’t had a chance to get to the pharmacy.  Anyone who is an avid reader of my blogs will know that by day three of no Zoloft and a person is apt to eat someone’s face off.  For realz.

B.  I have not had decent sleep in two nights.  I went out for my sister’s bachelorette party on Saturday and did not get home until the wee hours of the morning.  We all know there is no such thing as sleeping in with children in the house.  Last night I was also out of my Benadryl (which helps keep my sinuses clear and also helps me go night night).  This combined with my husbands snoring made for a very little amount of sleep last night.

A + B = C. I hate dislike the world.

Especially men and small children who ask if I have a baby growing in my belly.  Not unless Food is the Daddy. 

I have heard increasing cases of women talking about how their men either don’t want to be “trapped” by children or how they need a “break” from their families.  Now, let me clarify this is not my husband.  Should my husband ever even whisper those words within hearing distance of my ears I would castrate him as I kicked his ass out the door.  Multi-tasking at it’s finest.

Apparently not all women are as complicated and violent to live with, because an alarming amount of women report these words falling upon their ears. 

Let’s first examine the entrapment of children.  How ironic that the very cause of children just happens to be the very reason men seek out women.  Sex.  Now yes, women do like sex.  We talk about it.  We enjoy it, or fake enjoying it at times.  However our lives are not quite as fixated on it as men’s lives.  And of course, by our I mean women in the same age demographic and similar mindset as myself.  I enjoy the occasional horizontal polka dance, if nothing mind blowing is on Pinterest or if Vampire Diaries is a rerun.  However I never in my single days went out seeking just a one night stand or went out to hunt down some sex.  I have always understood that each rendezvous could lead to a small human propelling from my body, even with birth control.  Because nothing is 100% unless you have had some form of your anatomy removed. 

Point?  Men, if you fear becoming “trapped” by a miniature version of yourself in childlike form, I suggest abstinence until you are mentally, emotionally and financially mature enough to accept the possible consequences of your actions.  Otherwise I have news for you:  Just as our “fun bags” are not primarily for your viewing pleasure, sex is not primarily for your pleasure.  The primary reason for sex is for reproduction.  I am sure science and/or God had great intentions making it potentially pleasurable too but that might have been a mistake…

I know, this is a lot to take in.  If you want we can pause for you to grab a beer, scratch your ass or maybe to go invest in a box of condoms. 

Break over. 

Speaking of breaks, let’s take a look at men who get “Family Overload” and the only cure is “A Break”.  Now typically speaking these breaks come in form of either a trip to the bar, golf course or tree stand but apparently in order for Man to not self destruct he must receive these “Breaks”.  You know, because Men work and well… What the hell else do you FREAKING DO???  Good job going and putting in your hours at work, maybe riding around the lawn on your mower while sipping a beer and perhaps after some nagging carrying the bag of trash out but please enlighten me on how the life of a male is so much more difficult that a female’s and therefore deserves “breaks”.  Try getting up, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast while you sip on some coffee and maybe eat the portions of uneaten toast from their plates as you fly out the door with mismatched socks and concealer on to cover up the circles under your eyes.  Once you buckle the kids in, only then do you remember that you need to take out chicken for dinner so you dash back in to take the chicken out of the freezer for the meal you planned that night, drop kids off at school, proceed to go to work, get a call from school to go pick up a sick child while you try to juggle your work load with needing to go retrieve a puking feverish child, spend the rest of the day emptying out puke buckets and washing blankets while you attempt to console your little one in between making the grocery list that you need to go get tomorrow and with bills still waiting to get paid.  Once you get lists and bills done, you try to clean the house but the minute you leave one room cleaned, your family destroys it behind you.  You turn to Facebook to pretend to have a sliver of a social life and then read a status that reminds you swim lessons sign ups are tonight.  As dinner is boiling on the stove top, your child starts vomiting again and then your husband walks in the door announcing he has had a long day and needs a “break” and will be back later. 

Let me tell you what “break” you deserve.  You deserve to have the door “break” your pathetic ass as it slams behind you after your wife kicks you out as she “breaks” off the marriage/relationship.  You are going to have to take a few “breaks” from work to attend Family Court to find out how much child support is going to “break” the bank.  No “breaks” come on every other weekend visitations when you have the kids all to yourself while your ex-wife is taken out to “break”fast by her new man who knows what a catch she is. 

Sure life and parenting is hard at times, for all parties involved.  If the man thinks he deserves some times for his friends and hobbies, he needs to realize so does the woman.  He might have to sacrifice some of his “breaks” in order to ensure she gets hers as well.    It’s called compromise and caring for someone other than yourself.  And maybe arrange to take a few of those “breaks” together by hiring a sitter and taking your woman out to dinner. 

P.S….Grocery Shopping does NOT count as a break for women! 

Women, you did not create that child alone.  The burden should not alone fall on your shoulders.  You should not have to ask your partner to “watch” their own children, to help with bedtime or to chip in around the house.  Even if it as simple as getting to sleep in every Sunday or a few nights a week to attend Zumba or go to the gym, you deserve you time as well.  If he doesn’t agree, you have the right to a better life than that. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!

Dirty Sex, Zombie Cats and Television

Let me start out by saying that I can go a long, long time without the luxury of cable television. I have my shows that I like but especially with the invention of the DVR, I have to be in the mood to just veg out and watch the boob tube. Otherwise I can find a million other things to do. When I was a single Mama attending college and living in my own apartment I was fine without cable TV, especially as long as I had internet and DVDs.

With that said, now I must confess that when I hear of a popular TV series, I can only take it so long before I wonder what all the fuss is about. People really are sheep, we follow the herd. When a bunch of us rave about something, the herd usually follows. I mean must be how the Keurig and K-Cups got so popular because I have tried that coffee and it is weak as hell. Mocha Nut Swirl and Irish Crème Infusion both taste like weak as hell coffee. No flavor and EXPENSIVE!

First I did it with Grey’s Anatomy. Then Law & Order SVU. Then Sons of Anarchy. I turn the Netflix on and every other aspect of my life is ignored until I get thru every single episode. I submerge and obsess. So of course, it only makes sense to submerge and obsess over The Walking Dead. Now I am not one for gore, so it was a tad bit iffy at the beginning if I was going to like the series. However, I am now on Season 2, Episode 10. I have made a few observations about zombie apocalypses.

• Observation # 1: I am curious where these people get an over abundance of ammunition from. They have to seek out medications, water, fuel but I have yet to hear them say, “Oh crap, we are down to one box of ammo, we need to venture out to get more.” Same with Daryl’s arrows, which to me are even harder to find a supply of.
• Observation # 2: You don’t shower. You don’t own a toothbrush anymore. You have wore the same clothes for six weeks straight. There is an awful lot of sex going on for such low standards of personal hygiene. Not to mention that having sex would probably make the lowest priority on my list if trying to not be eaten alive by the walkers. So each time anyone kisses or begins to even suggest getting it on, I am gagging at the thought of their breath, their body odor & the grime on their skin. Sorry but I just can’t do skank sex.
• Observation # 3: It’s obvious these ladies have their periods once a month but yet I have yet to hear them say, someone needs to make a tampon run. Sorry, but as a female my mind instantly goes there when I think of surviving. I can’t even help it when I watch Survivor on CBS. I think periods should just stop in the event of survival mode. And in honor of # 2 & # 3 combined…why would you have sex if you could possibly get pregnant? Lori proved to the world why sex during an apocalypse of any kind is deadly.
• Observation # 4: How come animals don’t come back as zombies? I have yet to see a dog, cat or cow zombie.
• Observation # 5: I let it slide with Jase from Duck Dynasty but when I found myself winking and blowing kisses at Daryl, I had to admit that I have an odd attraction towards rednecks with a chip on their shoulder. It explains my husband, but I do make him shower before any sexual conduct.

Maybe I overanalyze, but I am realistic. It’s why I have a hard time with Sci-Fi or paranormal. My five year old came out in the living room last night when I was watching the episode with the walkers in the barn. I explained to her that it was just a show and the people wore make up and pretended to be zombies for the show. We talked about how they weren’t real and that’s why she never saw one in real life. We argued whether vampires were real because if bats exist then vampires must (five year old logic). She had a toy kitten that meows and walks nearby. She was playing with it and observing how ratty it looked, I said to her, “Is that a zombie kitty?” Quickly backtracking because I was worried about scaring her I said I was joking and she was a pretty kitty. At that very moment she squeezed the kitty to make it meow…of course the batteries decide to weaken in that very moment and the meow turns into a zombie like low moan.

I have always hated cats.

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A Case Study of Men

Men.  There are times that I truly fail to comprehend how your species has survived.  Differences between gender are evident (aside from the obvious anatomy of course).  Men have greater muscle mass, greater amounts of body hair, less emotional and less common sense. 

I am sure any female reading this is nodding her head and muttering MMmmmhmmm while men are shaking their head and saying wtf?!  Don't worry boys, I have plenty of evidence to back up my hypothesis. 

Study #1:  Male calls female that he refers to as his wife as she is working.  He asks what is for dinner, because of course he has no hand in planning meals or purchasing groceries.  When the answer is upside down night with fruit topped pancakes and bacon he wants to know what kind of bacon.  Once again I point out this male DOES NOTHING towards buying groceries.  No coupon clipping, no meal planning, no grocery shopping, no ad scanning.  So of course he does not know that it is turkey bacon, selected as his wife prefers the taste and it is a healthier choice for the entire family.  He groans.  She points out it is better for his heart.  He does not hesitate and replies, "Who is the one who had weight loss surgery and still sits in the chair at night and crams cookies in her mouth?" 

Let me pause while all females suck in a gasp, cover their mouth and then say, "Oh no he didn't".  Males are probably laughing, giving him an air high five. 

Conclusion:  NO COMMON SENSE!!!!  Said female wakes up, gets herself and her two children ready for the day and off to school and work, puts in a full day at work, comes home, gets dinner going, picks up around the house, is attempting to build a blog empire, exercises, does any errands needed, pays bills, has remodeled nearly the entire house, fills the role of Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, mediator, counselor, nurse, friend, daughter, sister, wife...IF I WANT A FREAKING COOKIE OR EIGHT I WILL HAVE IT!!!! 

Study #2:  Female barely slept the night before.  Lots on her mind, couldn't get comfortable, sick child, whatever the reason.  She had a bad day at work.  The house is a wreck.  Bills outweigh income.  A friend received bad news.  Just a day from hell.  Female is trying to cook dinner, grease splatters back on her hand, child is in kitchen.  She yells for husband to please get off the couch and come get child out of kitchen.  He comes out, ticked that she interrupted ESPN or his video game and snaps, "Are you on your rag?"

Females at this point have gone out to get the cast iron frying pan to just put themselves out of misery by offing their husband now.  They know how infuriating this question is.  Men are having flashbacks to the last time they slept on the couch due to saying these words.

Conclusion:  NO COMMON SENSE!!!  First of all even if we do have our period, that only calls for our husbands, partners, whatever to be more sensitive and pamper us more.  We do not choose to have our inside membrane ripped from the muscles it lines, have our uterus ceiling cave in and the Raging Red Rapids to come gushing out of our bodies.  Gag if you must, we live this horror story and you brought it up.  Not to mention this is YOUR FAULT that we even have our periods.  Click here if you want to see the reasoning behind that statement. 

What Women Want:  We want you to do your fair share.  These dirty dishes are our dirty dishes.  It was not just one of us who made the mess, so we both should share in cleaning it up.  These wild hooligans running around, it took two to create and it takes two to raise.  We should not have to ask you to please give them a bath or help put them to bed.  No one has to ask us to do that.  Offer to go grocery shopping, to help with Christmas shopping or wrapping.  Help with dinner, every night.  Let us sleep in on Sundays, watch a Lifetime movie with us, pretend to be remotely interested when we share gossip with you.  It's all common sense. 

**Disclaimer** No men were hurt during this case study.  Thoughts of bodily harm definitely crossed female's mind but she had enough self control to finish out the study.  Plus she is not done watching enough Investigation Discovery television and taking notes on how to not get caught.  No, female was not "on the rag" during the development of research findings.  It is our hopes that this research will lead to a surge of common sense and sensitivity in the male species.  Now leave me alone while I eat my cookies.

Review on Yo Johnny Frozen Yogurt! in Watertown, NY

I really deserve to be on the naughty list this season.  I can't remember the last time I put on my running shoes and worked up a sweat.  My diet selections deserve to be on the naughtiest of all naughty lists.  Seriously though, why does it have to taste so good?  Why can't apples taste like chocolate chip cookies?

I swear December 26th, 2012 I am going for a run.  Get ready treadmill. 

Since I am already on a bad girl spree, I figured out it was a GREAT time to check out Yo Johnny Frozen Yogurt! in Watertown, NY.  It's a new frozen yogurt bar owned and operated by a radio personality.  After seeing many mouth watering pictures of frozen yumminess on Facebook, I decided it was time I let my taste buds be the judge.  A huge Coldstone Creamery fan, they had high expectations to meet.

I walked up in somewhat dismay to realize it was in the same location Teriyaki Experience used to be.  They must have closed.  Frown face....I really liked it there.  Okay, back to frozen yumminess.  My first impression was pleasant based on the decor and atmosphere.  It was fun with bright colors...hot pink, lime green, shiny silver.  A white Christmas tree with multicolored, vibrant ornaments is in the foyer between the exterior door and entrance to the restaurant.  Several smaller silver tables with modern, bright colored chairs are in the front of the joint for those who choose to stay to munch on their concoctions. 

A pleasant young lady must have sensed my unfamiliarity with the layout because she guided me to the back on the restaurant where the bowls are kept.  And then the line of frozen yogurt machines.  I expected chocolate and vanilla frozen yogurt.  Not the case.  Apple pie, Tahitian Vanilla, Oreos Cookie and Cream, Peanut Butter, oh my.  It went on and on.  A few flavors were out of order, but some kinks are to be expected during grand openings. 

Once you make the difficult decision of which flavor yogurt you desire, you move on to the toppings bar.  You name it, they have it.  Even bacon.  Yup, bacon on frozen yogurt.  No I did not try it.  I was buying for the entire family so I really focused on the fresh fruit toppings as my kids are fresh fruit vacuums.  Kiwi, raspberries, blueberries, cherries, cantalope, pineapple and even these little bead shaped toppings called Bursting Boba.  I have to try that next time.  Syrups are at the end!

Checkout consists of weighing your frozen yogurt masterpiece.  50 cents an ounce.  It's that simple! 

It was far better than expected.  I really expected like a strong yogurt taste but it was really creamy and soft ice cream like.  My husband seconds that opinion.  The toppings were fresh and plentiful (over 50 different toppings to choose from).  I love that you serve yourself.  Four bowls of frozen yogurt loaded with toppings all for $20.00.  I didn't think that was a bad price at all. 

The staff was very friendly and helpful.  It was very clean and tidy and organized once I realized what the flow of the line was.  The modern decor is hip and inviting but also very family friendly.  It will be great to sit in the bright Adirondack chairs that line the exterior of the building with my family this summer for a sweet treat. 

Gift cards are available (great Christmas gifts).  Free Wi-Fi.  Open 10am - 10pm Monday through Saturday and 10am - 7pm on Sundays. 

We all agreed it was delish.  I like the fact that they have options for when I am behaving diet and exercise wise to keep me off the naughty list!  You control the portions and there are plenty of healthy options so you can decide whether you are being naughty or nice!  We will be return customers without a doubt! 

**Picture was taken by my brother in law...I was too interested in consuming my frozen yogurt to remember to snap a pic of it first.  Priorities, ya know!!**

Believe!

Madison lost her first tooth this morning.  Like literally lost it.  Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up.  The first loose tooth is a big deal in the world of Parenthood.  It comes with all different emotions.  Excitement for the child for experiencing the Tooth Fairy.  Heartache as you realize it is just another sign of the passing years, of the child no longer being a baby.  Loose tooth today, driving and dating a pierced, tattooed peer tomorrow.  Sigh.

So you can imagine the panic I felt at realizing the first tooth had been lost.  I drive the girls to school every morning.  We have our routine.  Elementary school first, in line with all the rest of the parents dropping off their precious bundles of joy.  Waiting until the child makes it to the safety of the aid who opens the door for them.  The line was long today.  She hopped out, further back in the line then I liked and ran up the sidewalk coming to a screeching halt halfway up.  She turned and ran back to the car and I knew what she was returning for.  The Kissing Hands. 

I plant a kiss on the palm of both her hands, she plants a kiss on the palm of both my hands and then we kiss on the lips.  Every morning.  If you do not know the significance behind the kissing hands you need to look up the book and get it to read to your little ones.  Such a great story.  https://www.google.com/#q=The+Kissing+Hand+book&hl=en&tbo=u&source=univ&tbm=shop&sa=X&ei=eETLUPH9FY-29gSc6oBQ&sqi=2&ved=0CEsQsxg&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=11d5ec86076e28e2&bpcl=39967673&biw=1152&bih=696

So after the kissing hand ritual, I noticed she was touching her mouth.  My first thought was she was wiping my kiss from her mouth as the stinker likes to do sometimes.  She turned and looked at me and matter of factly said, “I lost my tooth.”  Open door for flood of emotions once that sentence sunk in.  Excitement for her, heart wrenching for me, anxiety for the Tooth Fairy who will now have to keep her eyes open long enough to perform the duties.  Then she said the words, “I am not sure where it fell, it’s gone though.”  WHAT?!! 

As she took off, the horror set in knowing that her tooth was now in limbo.  My baby’s first lost tooth, I could not stand the thought of it just being lost on the school sidewalk, stepped on by many kids and teachers and mixed in with dirt and pebbles.  So I did what any mother would do.  I pulled into a parking spot and convinced my teenager to help me find the itty bitty tooth. 

Full line of parents dropping off children.  Several hundred feet of sidewalk.  Lots of dirt and pebbles.  My daughter and I on our hands and knees searching for the lost tooth.  Picture it.  Oh the situations we get into for our children. 

End of story is that the tooth was found.  A piece of my baby girl’s childhood in my hand.  To be placed under her pillow where she will lay her head tonight and the Tooth Fairy will fly in and exchange the tooth for some money and fly away leaving the magic of childhood and fantasy behind.  And I now have a memory to hang on to with a little smile and a lot of love.  The story of the first lost lost-tooth.

On a side note, I have a hard time with religion but there are many moments in life that I have to really wonder if a higher power is not at work.  It seems financially especially, when things are tight and I am wondering how everything will come together and then there is a sudden chain of events like a few bills that are unexpectedly less than what was budgeted or news of unexpected yet appreciated gifts of money at times it is needed most that really make me wonder if the word Believe doesn’t have more meaning than what we give it face value for.  For those who question the meaning of Christmas, maybe it is to renew spirit in believing in things we don’t see or understand.  Believing in miracles and that we are not meant to understand everything in life but that Faith means knowing with your heart Everything that happens is meant to be and that it will all work out in the end.  Take no moment, no matter how small for granted because no moment in life is meaningless.  Open your eyes and heart to all possibilities for those who are blind and closed will miss so much beauty and magic in life. 

I am truly grateful for my curious and open mind and heart that looks beyond the ordinary to see the extraordinary in everything and everyone.  Creativity and imagination should not end with childhood, it should always exist.  Thanks to a chain of events throughout the past year, just know that I am starting to BELIEVE with my heart and my mind.  I can not explain some things that have happened, other to know that there is a bigger power at work.  May it be angels, may it be Him, may it be Santa or the tooth fairy or just how life is meant to be work out, there is something bigger than us out there.  So this holiday season and beyond just celebrate what is in front of you and beyond you.  That is the meaning of Christmas.  Nothing and no one in life is truly lost.  It can be found in the craziest places if you open your eyes and look for it.  Whether it be a tooth or faith or meanings.  It’s there.  Just believe.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a GREAT night!