The World of Wal-Mart

I have never had as passionate of a love/hate relationship as I have with Wal-Mart.  I love Price Chopper, Tops, Target, K-Mart.  However I loathe driving store to store.  It’s exhausting.  If I can get everything I need in one stop, I am there.  Enter angels playing harps, saints singing and the Wal-Mart logo shining in the light at the end of the tunnel.  You need socks, raisins, a picture frame and grapes?  Wal-Mart.  Tampons, a gift for a child’s birthday party, bread and eggs?  Wal-Mart. 

Now if you have a need for a strapless bra and have a cup size bigger than a D, you are shit out of luck.  First of all, purchasers for Wal-Mart, let me tell you something about life.  If you are rocking an “AA” cup, you probably don’t really need a strapless bra.  Or a bra at all.  Get some duct tape to cover up the nipples, and you are good to go.  And for those women who are fortunate, and yes I said fortunate, enough to rock those A’s- don’t wish for bigger.  Believe me, bigger may be better in lots of situation…..bigger bank account, bigger house, men ; ) , bigger pay raises, etc.  In the boobage department less is better.  So remove some of those AA bras from the shelves and stock up on some bigger bras for the ladies who need that support.  Believe me when I say those tiny ta-ta ladies are shopping Victoria’s Secret. 

Next, Wal-Mart hands down has the rudest people shopping there.  I get cart rage maneuvering down the aisles.  When we almost play bumper carts and I smile and say, “Sorry”, Bitch do not roll your eyes at me.  I am carrying a couponing bag.  It contains scissors.  I will cut you.  Okay, maybe I won’t.  Maybe I just like to pretend I am street for life, a bad ass you don’t ever cross with an eye roll.  But I will give you the stink eye and silently in my mind threaten to cut you with my child safety scissors!

Seriously though, what about placing your hands on a Wal-Mart shopping cart turns a majority of people into rude, miserable beings?  This is not a highway, there is no one who has a right of way.  When you come flying down the aisle, keep in mind the people around the corner can not see you coming so just proceed with caution.  Maybe try smiling.  Maybe don’t drop the “F” bomb when you are screeching at your filthy little children. 

And Ladies, how the hell and who the hell pisses on a toilet seat and just leaves it there in a LADIES room??  We don’t aim, it’s just squat and release!  On that note, who the hell doesn’t feel the need to flush in a public restroom??  That is NASTY!  If you are that gross in public, I would hate to see your bathroom at home.  I always make sure I don’t leave an evidence trail.  If you have to perform the triple flush, you do it.  If you have to report a clogged toilet to customer service, you act like you found it like that instead of you clogging it yourself.  And if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. 

If you are a cashier, I do not need to know about the raging case of diarrhea your lunch gave you.  As I watch you handle each item I bought, each grocery item and you are telling me, a complete stranger, about the cramps that are wrecking havoc on your intestines.

Finally, I don’t care who you are.  I don’t care if you are a shopper, an employee or the damn owner of Wal-Mart.  DO NOT stand in front of the entrances/exits and smoke your chemical filled cigarettes.  You have every choice to smoke, do it in your car.  I should not have to walk through that cloud to leave or enter.  And even more infuriating, my children should NEVER have to breathe that in.  Stand off to the side, where no other people are.   Be courteous. 

While these are all things I LOATHE about Wal-Mart, their low prices and convenient Super store always draws me back.  I just wish people would be more aware of their surroundings…you never know when a crazy Mama with child safety scissors may be lurking!

I Know Why Female Praying Mantis Eat Their Mates…

I know of these three things to be true:

A.  I have not taken my Zoloft in two days now.  I have been so busy I haven’t had a chance to get to the pharmacy.  Anyone who is an avid reader of my blogs will know that by day three of no Zoloft and a person is apt to eat someone’s face off.  For realz.

B.  I have not had decent sleep in two nights.  I went out for my sister’s bachelorette party on Saturday and did not get home until the wee hours of the morning.  We all know there is no such thing as sleeping in with children in the house.  Last night I was also out of my Benadryl (which helps keep my sinuses clear and also helps me go night night).  This combined with my husbands snoring made for a very little amount of sleep last night.

A + B = C. I hate dislike the world.

Especially men and small children who ask if I have a baby growing in my belly.  Not unless Food is the Daddy. 

I have heard increasing cases of women talking about how their men either don’t want to be “trapped” by children or how they need a “break” from their families.  Now, let me clarify this is not my husband.  Should my husband ever even whisper those words within hearing distance of my ears I would castrate him as I kicked his ass out the door.  Multi-tasking at it’s finest.

Apparently not all women are as complicated and violent to live with, because an alarming amount of women report these words falling upon their ears. 

Let’s first examine the entrapment of children.  How ironic that the very cause of children just happens to be the very reason men seek out women.  Sex.  Now yes, women do like sex.  We talk about it.  We enjoy it, or fake enjoying it at times.  However our lives are not quite as fixated on it as men’s lives.  And of course, by our I mean women in the same age demographic and similar mindset as myself.  I enjoy the occasional horizontal polka dance, if nothing mind blowing is on Pinterest or if Vampire Diaries is a rerun.  However I never in my single days went out seeking just a one night stand or went out to hunt down some sex.  I have always understood that each rendezvous could lead to a small human propelling from my body, even with birth control.  Because nothing is 100% unless you have had some form of your anatomy removed. 

Point?  Men, if you fear becoming “trapped” by a miniature version of yourself in childlike form, I suggest abstinence until you are mentally, emotionally and financially mature enough to accept the possible consequences of your actions.  Otherwise I have news for you:  Just as our “fun bags” are not primarily for your viewing pleasure, sex is not primarily for your pleasure.  The primary reason for sex is for reproduction.  I am sure science and/or God had great intentions making it potentially pleasurable too but that might have been a mistake…

I know, this is a lot to take in.  If you want we can pause for you to grab a beer, scratch your ass or maybe to go invest in a box of condoms. 

Break over. 

Speaking of breaks, let’s take a look at men who get “Family Overload” and the only cure is “A Break”.  Now typically speaking these breaks come in form of either a trip to the bar, golf course or tree stand but apparently in order for Man to not self destruct he must receive these “Breaks”.  You know, because Men work and well… What the hell else do you FREAKING DO???  Good job going and putting in your hours at work, maybe riding around the lawn on your mower while sipping a beer and perhaps after some nagging carrying the bag of trash out but please enlighten me on how the life of a male is so much more difficult that a female’s and therefore deserves “breaks”.  Try getting up, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast while you sip on some coffee and maybe eat the portions of uneaten toast from their plates as you fly out the door with mismatched socks and concealer on to cover up the circles under your eyes.  Once you buckle the kids in, only then do you remember that you need to take out chicken for dinner so you dash back in to take the chicken out of the freezer for the meal you planned that night, drop kids off at school, proceed to go to work, get a call from school to go pick up a sick child while you try to juggle your work load with needing to go retrieve a puking feverish child, spend the rest of the day emptying out puke buckets and washing blankets while you attempt to console your little one in between making the grocery list that you need to go get tomorrow and with bills still waiting to get paid.  Once you get lists and bills done, you try to clean the house but the minute you leave one room cleaned, your family destroys it behind you.  You turn to Facebook to pretend to have a sliver of a social life and then read a status that reminds you swim lessons sign ups are tonight.  As dinner is boiling on the stove top, your child starts vomiting again and then your husband walks in the door announcing he has had a long day and needs a “break” and will be back later. 

Let me tell you what “break” you deserve.  You deserve to have the door “break” your pathetic ass as it slams behind you after your wife kicks you out as she “breaks” off the marriage/relationship.  You are going to have to take a few “breaks” from work to attend Family Court to find out how much child support is going to “break” the bank.  No “breaks” come on every other weekend visitations when you have the kids all to yourself while your ex-wife is taken out to “break”fast by her new man who knows what a catch she is. 

Sure life and parenting is hard at times, for all parties involved.  If the man thinks he deserves some times for his friends and hobbies, he needs to realize so does the woman.  He might have to sacrifice some of his “breaks” in order to ensure she gets hers as well.    It’s called compromise and caring for someone other than yourself.  And maybe arrange to take a few of those “breaks” together by hiring a sitter and taking your woman out to dinner. 

P.S….Grocery Shopping does NOT count as a break for women! 

Women, you did not create that child alone.  The burden should not alone fall on your shoulders.  You should not have to ask your partner to “watch” their own children, to help with bedtime or to chip in around the house.  Even if it as simple as getting to sleep in every Sunday or a few nights a week to attend Zumba or go to the gym, you deserve you time as well.  If he doesn’t agree, you have the right to a better life than that. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!