Tiger Mothers probably wake up in a pool of sweat screaming after having nightmares about becoming the kind of mother I am. Starting with overly strict...now I guarantee that my teenager would tell you I am strict, but I am not. I once got into a debate online with a woman who said that allowing your children to dye their hair and wear Victoria's Secret would for sure result in a teenage pregnancy. My teenager's hair is currently at probably 7 different shades thanks to a trip to the local cosmetology school for some highlights. I look at it like I'd rather have her experiment with hair color than other things like drugs and sex. Now I have yet to say yes to any piercings other than ear lobes, but I am still not feeling worthy of a Tiger roar.
There are "daily" chores assigned to every member of the family, but I put blinders on to lazy days where we all slack at what our assigned chores are. More often my house is in a state where I prefer to lock the door than allow visitors in, but if I died tomorrow I wouldn't want my last thought to be at least my house is clean. We actually spend a lot of time just relaxing at home, together. I don't set limits (i.e. two hours of television a day, no electronics after 6pm, etc). Right now I am vegged out in the recliner, typing away at this post while my oldest has fallen asleep on the couch with her little sister snuggled against her watching cartoons. Dishes are in the sink, the house could be picked up but we have designated Friday nights as our "lazy night". Basically being a little slack on the chores, don't cause my claws to come out.
In fact our schedule is pretty lax most nights. The very thought of hauling the kids from one scheduled activity/lesson/practice to the next gives me anxiety. M (my youngest) just finished a 5 week swimming course. She does Girl Scouts and will soon start T-ball. P (my oldest) does cheerleading during football season. She has actually participated in cheerleading every since she was 7 years old. They both have dabbled in gymnastics, soccer, dance. If they get into an activity they find themselves really not enjoying, I don't force them to continue with it. I don't want them to fear trying something new out of fear they will hate it and be stuck doing it. If I had a job I hated, I wouldn't stick with it just because I accepted the position. I doubt Tigers actually do too much they hate either.
Academically, both girls are average students. They both have their areas they struggle in and you know what? I am okay with that. I don't expect 99 averages on everything and accept that not everyone learns the same and excels the same. Prepare yourself- I don't even force the idea of college. *Gasp* Now granted I do encourage learning skills that set them aside from others in the workforce but I recognize that not everyone needs college (and the burden of debt after school) in order to succeed. The very concept of being a Tiger Mother is to set aside emotional concerns in order to assure financial security and success. This to me sends a message that money = success. That achieving money is the goal in life. I am not okay with that message.
Money does not equal happiness or success in life. Look at the recent suicide of L'Wren Scott, a talented and loved woman who ended her life at the very thought of not being rich. I want the girls to be comfortable in life but I don't think that a six figure salary is the answer to it all. I think there are many honorable careers/ life choices that do not require a degree. I want to encourage my girls to do something they enjoy in life, to choose their own path and have a voice in who they become. I think a strong sense of self is worth more than a fat paycheck. Would you rather have your child known as loving, caring and kind or as successful and wealthy?
I am not saying that I wouldn't be thrilled for the girls if they ended up filthy rich, but what I am saying is I am not willing to sacrifice my children's emotional needs in the hopes that they will be a CEO. When you teach your child to repress emotions and social needs, you are robbing them of compassion. You teach them to not consider other's feelings when it can be an obstacle to financial gain. This is a dangerous, slippery slope to send them down on their way into adulthood. I once had the opportunity to review a book written by a psychologist in regards to psychopathy. Some of his colleagues theorize that psychopathy is part of evolution. While I can see how the lack of emotion would be beneficial to survival of the fittest, this theory scares the heck out of me. Can you imagine the kind of world we will exist in when greed trumps emotion? I sure hope I am not around to see it. Or my kids for that matter.
Tiger Moms don't just repress their children emotionally but socially as well. They do not acknowledge the importance of peers. Both of making friends and losing friends. Just recently my youngest expressed sadness at the realization that one of her treasured friendships was becoming a distant one. This is part of growing up, we have all been there. Friends that we once considered to be our closest friend become acquaintances. It is a painful process to come to terms with but just as important to social development as making friends is. When we don't learn what it is like to make friends, it creates a lonely existence. When we don't learn what it is like to lose friends, we can't cope well with loss or changes in life. We lose the ability to adapt, to compromise and to empathize. Social and emotional wellness are just as, if not more important than financial wellness in the balance of life.
Since I believe in the practices of attachment parenting, I place high priority on my children's emotional needs. I don't believe in letting a baby cry or that you can spoil a child with too much affection. I co slept with both girls. The activities they are involved in is for the main goal of interaction with peers in order to develop social relationships. I strongly believe in Erik Erikson's theory on psychosocial development and changing social dynamics based on the age of a person. By the way, Erikson lacked a Bachelor's Degree but taught at highly respected schools such as Yale and Harvard.
Everything is open in my house. Minds, conversations, schedules, opportunities, arms. I am not perfect and so I do not demand perfection. I am happy being a Sloth Mama, whose young cuddle and cling to them until they are ready let go and try the world out for themselves. Being a Sloth Mama who shows the way of the world, how to survive but also allowing for falls, for learning. And even when they are ready to take the world on for themselves, they can keep me in reach for when they need support. I don't want them to become the alpha Sloth or the Queen of the Sloths, but just a contributing member of the herd. Laid back, non-predatory, harmless.
Plus, we are pretty dang cute. Sloth Mamas Unite!
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