50 Shades of Vanilla

I must have less than 50 shades of sexuality.  I just don't get the fuss over 50 Shades of Grey.  I never realized that S&M was so popular.  It's just when I close my eyes and think of the steamiest sex imaginable, it NEVER involves a riding crop.  It's like in my fantasy, he pulls out a riding crop, I roll over, throw a flannel nightgown on and go grab a jar of Nutella and a spoon with a glass of milk and the only thing getting turned on is Lifetime Movie Network. 

I don't have that great of a pain threshold so maybe that is it.  I stub my toe and it's 50 Shades of Swearing.  I instantly get Tourette's and start shouting out odd obscenities like "Ass Mother Shit Son Fuck of a Bitch Hole". I can't believe this book has exploded the way it has.  Horrible writing, S&M, tacky love story.  I just don't get it.  Apparently I am odd woman out because from what I understand this book was lighting bedrooms on fire across the world.  It was definitely a good time to invest in condom stocks.  I just can not wrap my mind around this epidemic. 

I wonder if half of the women who are gushing over how hot this book is would be as excited to find S&M porn in their man's possesion.  A man is in to it, he's a pervert and a pig.  A woman is in to 50 Shades of Grey and she is sultry.  Double standards at play here.  In fact when Prince sang about S&M it was very controversial and had a big hand in the creation of "Parental Warnings" on music.  Although I do believe Darling Nikki is Mr. Grey's Mrs. Robinson/Elena. 

The question for me here is would I submit to that in order to have access to a billionaire.  That is a good question.  I like money.  A lot.  Money blurs a lot of lines.  I don't think any woman would sign that contract for a man who was living in his Grandparents basement working at Burger King.  He'd have a Red Corner instead of a Red Room. 

Maybe I am too controlling, too dominant to ever understand the attraction of being submissive to another.  Maybe I just enjoy "Vanilla Sex".  At the end of the day I can not, will not ever find anything to do with S&M to be appealing.  Unless Ryan Gosling is involved.  Then all bets are off, beat away Mr. Gosling!

Murder in the worst degree

Is murder wrong?  Before you jump to answer that, take a step back and think about it.  Murder to what degree?  Can you measure murder? 

Have you set a mouse trap?  Is that premeditated murder?  Have you swatted a fly before?  Is that murder in the heat of the moment?  Have you had an abortion?  Is that a legal form of murder?  Do you know anyone in the military, all trained to kill?

I know one day I had to drive home during my lunch break.  As I got into the car, I noticed a wasp perched on the driver's side mirror.  As I picked up speed, that little bastard clung on the mirror.  I sped up, trying to make the gust of wind so strong he would be flung to the road, surely to die upon impact.  The fast I drove, the more I could see him strain to keep his grip, in tune with the natural instinct to fight for life.  I pulled into my driveway, amazed that A) I had managed to keep the car on the road while so obsessed with my insect rage and B) That wasp had managed to hang on and survive.  I saw him put his pointer and middle fingers up in the air then he pointed to his eyes and then to mine...he let me know he knew who I was and he'd be back to avenge the murder attempt on his life.  I slept with one eye open that night waiting for the gang of wasps to ascend the stairs and make me pay for my insect rage. 

Do you feel bad when you end the life of a bug?  Isn't that taking a life?  As you are dining on steak, do you not somewhat feel like the Hannibal Lechter of the cow community?  We hand out permits every year to allow people to seek and hunt and kill innocent deer, turkeys and rabbits.  I don't even want to hear about how we save the deer from disease or overpopulation.  Next we will be allowed to each murder 2 people in order to cut back on the population and disease in humans. 

On September 11th, 2001 the United States was under attack initiated by terrorists from Afghanistan.  We were horrified that their militia invaded our country and killed thousands of innocent citizens.  So to make it right, we invaded their country and killed thousands of innocent citizens as well as thousands of our troops.  Sorry, but I still can't see the sense in war.  It's wrong to kill so in order to make you see how wrong it is, I am going to kill you?  Hellllooo hypocrites! 

I mean honestly, if you want to punish them the right way, put them in jail cells that only get Nascar races on their TV's.  Hello idea of personal hell. 

If the military is going to play the eye for an eye card, I think all crimes should be punishable by those means.  If you molest someone, you should be molested.  If you beat a child to death, you should be beaten to death.  If you set someone on fire, you should be set on fire.  Do unto others as you would want done upon yourself.  Shouldn't it be the same rules across the board?

If you were to give birth and abandon that child and that child were to die, it would be murder.  However if the day before you gave birth you went into a clinic and had the doctor perform an abortion, it is within your legal rights.  Yes, I can completely make sense of that.  They say life begins at first breath, but if you were to give birth to a stillborn baby you would receive a death certificate.  In order for any being to experience death, they would first have to experience life.  These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

So at what degree is murder wrong?  Punishable?  And who gets to decide that?

Love Thyself

It's Friday night, about 6:30pm.  In the past few weeks I have come to cherish Friday nights.  My stepson plays Varsity Football and so my husband takes the girls and goes to watch his games.  For a few short yet sweet, bliss filled hours I am alone. 

My life is filled with such chaos and constant on the go that it is so nice to end the week and start the weekend with a few hours of silence.  No plans, no agendas....just a few hours to do whatever it is I desire.  Granted, the mother in me tells me not so quietly that I should attend these games but it is the only chance I ever get to be alone.  I think far too often people forget just how important a few hours of alone time truly is.  From the time I wake up I am constantly surrounded by people who need my assistance.  From waking the kids up to getting their breakfast, taking them to school, working 8 hours in an office where I constantly am assisting coworkers or customers on the phone to getting home, cooking dinner, getting everything ready for the next day so yes, I NEED these two hours. 

I love to just be my own company.  In the past year, I really feel as if I have learned to start loving myself.  I had Lap Band surgery July 2011.  I think my intentions were not clear.  I had visions of me going out with my friends, dancing like back when I was in my mid twenties.  I thought of all the cute clothes I could wear.  Feeling attractive again.  I have lost a significant amount of weight, but not anywhere where I had envisioned.  With the Lap Band, you can eat sweets.  With gastric, sweets are hell on your system.  So I started considering getting a revision to gastric. 

I thought about it quite often.  Just the other day, I was online and just happened to come across a web page where a girl was talking about her life.  How one day she was a twenty something carefree girl to an overnight guardian of her sister, burdened with bills and responsibility.  How?  Her mother passed from complications of gastric bypass. 

At that moment, I had a major epiphany.  I completely dismissed the gastric idea, reflecting back on the very reason I opted against it before.  The risks are considerably higher than Lap Band.  I have so much more to live for than a small waist and perfect body.  Will I stop exercising and trying to eat right?  Absolutely not.  I LOVE to run and to work out and how I feel after.  Am I ever going to be a size 2, a size 4 or even a size 6?  Probably not, and I think I am finally okay with that.  I am so much more than this physical body.  I have a husband who is faithful, hard working and accepts me for who I am.  I have given birth to two healthy, beautiful baby girls who bring me more joy in this world than any other being on this Earth.  I have a great job that I am successful in.  I have amazing friends, people who just restore my faith in humanity everyday.  I try to surround myself with positive, happy people who inspire me, encourage me, educate me and love me for me.  I truly succeed at anything I attempt.  I am able bodied, of sound mind (most times) and live a respectable, good life.  I have naturally curly hair that can be as wild as my dreams and hopes.  I have pretty blue eyes with nice long lashes.  My teeth are crooked in the front, but at least I have them all!  I admit, I have a brilliant brain that is capable of quickly picking up on new tasks and comprehending most that is presented to it, although the whole Higgs Boson thing completely leave me dumb founded.  I love to laugh and love to give.  I may have thighs that touch and bat wings that flap when I wave my arms but if someone dislikes me due to that, then I don't want them in my life anyways. 

Let's be honest, I did go out after my weight loss and discovered I hate the bar scene now.  I don't really like to drink anymore and it's a boring scene.  I am so much happier at home with my family, with my friends.  I'd rather run a 5k or work on cheerleading routines or coupon or write a blog than spend a night blowing my money in a bar and spending the next 48 hours trying to recover.  It's just not me anymore.  And even a smaller size, I still opt for comfortable clothes over attractive clothes.  I love yoga pants and sneakers and throw up at the thought of skinny jeans and heels.  I am much more comfortable in my own skin, would ideally love to drop another 20 pounds but if I never lost a pound I think I still could be happy in life.  My thirties really have become about finding myself and loving myself. 

Too often we focus on what is wrong, rather than what is right.  If you are reading this, take a moment when done to really think about what is awesome about yourself.  Don't be humble.  Get on Facebook and announce to the world what you love about you.  About your life.  Learn to accept who you are, what you are and what you look like.  Surround yourself with people who know how great you are and who you think are just as great.  Do not let anyone bring you down.  Find friends who you can talk to about your imperfections and laugh about what age does to you.  It's always comforting to know you are not the only one with boobs traveling south. 

I love to hear when people say they really connect with what I say.  It truly reinforces why I blog.  I want people to know they are normal, wonderful and sane.  I want people to know they are never alone in this world and that life may not be easy but you must learn to laugh at the hardships. I know you like the funny blogs, but it is just as important to read the motivational blogs as well.  You are beautiful and wonderful and unique.  Celebrate that. 

Pin this.

Did you know that the typical lunch break in Italy is two hours?  This is to allow the workers to go home, eat and take a nap to reenergize.  In Japan, large companies have napping rooms for their employees.  In China the "xiu-xi" (nap time) is guaranteed by law.  The information on how good sleep is for you is plentiful.  So why is it Americans insist on running themselves into the ground with their daily routines? 

Guilty as charged!  I often bite off way more than I can chew.  I try to jam so much in this brief life and end up running myself into the ground.  I can't just be me.  I am always taking up a new hobby or trying a new lifestyle.  Scrapbooking.  Couponing.  Zumba.  Clean Eating.  Training for a 5k, for a 10k.  Coaching.  Working two jobs.  Remodeling the house.  I obsess and consume and live and breathe the current interest until I overheat and burn out.  If I had a therapist, I guarantee this personality trait would take several sessions to diagnose.  I blame my mother for ironing her curtains.  I mean who does that?  That is the surefire way to give your kids a complex of restlessness.

I tried for oh so long to avoid this "Pinterest" phenomenon I kept hearing about.  I'd see cute crafts and yummy looking recipes but I kept my blinders on and ignored.  I knew, I knew the minute I caved in I would be sucked into the vortex of do it yourself land. 

I got bored one day.  Very dangerous with someone like me.  It's uaually how my obsessions all begin.  Boredom, curiosity.  So I joined Pinterest.  I've managed to not become an addict........damn, is that they awkward pause where we all remember that denial is the first sign of a problem?

Blows. My. Mind.  Some of the ideas that people have on there are just brain numbing.  The simpleness that has never occurred to me, right in front of me, begging to be pinned to one of my boards.  I am a pinning whore.  I don't discriminate either.  Do It Yourself projects, recipes, hair and beauty tips, quotes that inspire, exercises to try, places I want to travel....I do them all.

It really has revolutionized my life.  My house is so much more organized than before.  I am the mother bringing the cute snacks to events.  I have gone from wanting to buy a new house to starting the love the one we live in.  I make yummy recipes.  Thank you Pinterest for helping me appear to be Supermom. 

If you haven't joined, you should.  No, you shouldn't.  Yes you should.  No, it's addicting.  Yes, it's amazing.  No, it's time consuming.  Yes, it's better than sex.  Well sex in your twenties, when you had a good body and didn't collapse into bed, exhausted and wanting to just roll over and look at Pinterest on your Kindle.  These voices in my head can stop arguing now.

I have been so wrapped up in Pinterest that I just haven't had time to blog.  Well that and remodeling the house.  Well that and coaching 17 girls ages 5,6 and 7 in cheerleading.  But coaching is only a few more weeks.  And then my seasonal second job begins. : )