50 Shades of Vanilla

I must have less than 50 shades of sexuality.  I just don't get the fuss over 50 Shades of Grey.  I never realized that S&M was so popular.  It's just when I close my eyes and think of the steamiest sex imaginable, it NEVER involves a riding crop.  It's like in my fantasy, he pulls out a riding crop, I roll over, throw a flannel nightgown on and go grab a jar of Nutella and a spoon with a glass of milk and the only thing getting turned on is Lifetime Movie Network. 

I don't have that great of a pain threshold so maybe that is it.  I stub my toe and it's 50 Shades of Swearing.  I instantly get Tourette's and start shouting out odd obscenities like "Ass Mother Shit Son Fuck of a Bitch Hole". I can't believe this book has exploded the way it has.  Horrible writing, S&M, tacky love story.  I just don't get it.  Apparently I am odd woman out because from what I understand this book was lighting bedrooms on fire across the world.  It was definitely a good time to invest in condom stocks.  I just can not wrap my mind around this epidemic. 

I wonder if half of the women who are gushing over how hot this book is would be as excited to find S&M porn in their man's possesion.  A man is in to it, he's a pervert and a pig.  A woman is in to 50 Shades of Grey and she is sultry.  Double standards at play here.  In fact when Prince sang about S&M it was very controversial and had a big hand in the creation of "Parental Warnings" on music.  Although I do believe Darling Nikki is Mr. Grey's Mrs. Robinson/Elena. 

The question for me here is would I submit to that in order to have access to a billionaire.  That is a good question.  I like money.  A lot.  Money blurs a lot of lines.  I don't think any woman would sign that contract for a man who was living in his Grandparents basement working at Burger King.  He'd have a Red Corner instead of a Red Room. 

Maybe I am too controlling, too dominant to ever understand the attraction of being submissive to another.  Maybe I just enjoy "Vanilla Sex".  At the end of the day I can not, will not ever find anything to do with S&M to be appealing.  Unless Ryan Gosling is involved.  Then all bets are off, beat away Mr. Gosling!