Motivate to Move It!!

It's been a year since I last posted my Top 100 songs to work out to!  For anyone like me, keeping a refreshed playlist is a must for motivation to be active!  I am super selective when it comes to songs that make me want to get up and burn some hardcore calories, so consider this the filet mignon of music! ; )  Click on any of the songs to hear it via YouTube (warning- some are explicit or possibly offensive)!  Oh and you are welcome!

1. Pulses by Karmin
2. Boom by Ying Yang Twins
3. Freak a Leek by Petey Pablo
4. So Fine by Sean Paul
5. Now or Never by Outasight
6. Dark Horse by Katy Perry
7. Love Me Again by John Newman
8. All I Do is Win by DJ Khaled
9. The Monster by Eminem & Rihanna
10. Wild Ones (Project 46 Remix) by Flo Rida and Sia
11. Play Hard by David Guetta
12. #thatPOWER by Will.i.am and Justin Bieber
13. With You by Linkin Park
14. Breathe by The Prodigy
15. As We Enter by Nas & Damian Marley
16. Take It Off by Ke$ha
17. Naughty Girl by Beyoncé
18. Crazy in Love by Jay-Z & Beyoncé
19. Drop It Like It's Hot (Sean's Reggaeton Remix) by Snoop Dogg and Pharrell
20. Rock the Casbah by the Solar Twins
21. In Da Club (Remix) by 50 Cent & Beyoncé
22. Watagatapitusberry by Pitbull
23. Somebody's Watching Me by Beatfreakz
24. Danza Kuduro by Don Omar
25. Ride With Me (Stargate Remix) by Nelly
26. Stand Back by Stevie Nicks
27. Self Control by Laura Branigan
28. Rebel Yell by Billy Idol
29. Invincible by Pat Benatar
30. Levels vs C'mon N' Ride It Mashup by Avicii and Quad City DJs
31. Move Ya Body by Nina Sky
32. It's My Life by No Doubt
33. You Can Do It by Ice Cube
34. Where's Your Head At by Basement Jaxx
35. Hella Good by No Doubt
36. Better Off Alone by Alice Deejay
37. Lose My Breath by Destiny's Child
38. Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie
39. Violet by Hole
40. Stinkfist by Tool
41. Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship
42. Cry for You by September
43. Move Shake Drop by DJ Laz
44. Happy by Pharrell Williams
45. Ain't It Fun by Paramore
46. Partitions by Beyoncé
47. I'm a Freak by Enrique Iglesias
48. Exotic by Priyanka Chopra
49. Replay (Jump Smokers Remix) by Zendaya
50. Pompeii by Bastille
51. White Walls by Macklemore
52. Chocolate by The 1975
53. Nothing Feels Like You by Little Mix
54. Cannonball by The Breeders
55. Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John
56. National Anthem by Lana Del Rey
57. I Think I'm Paranoid by Garbage
58. Next to Me Remix by Emeli Sande and Kendrick Lamar
59. Badd by Ying Yang Twins & Mike Jones
60. Ching a Ling by Missy Elliott
61. Lean Back Reggaeton Remix by Fat Joe
62. Papi Chulo by Lorna
63. Kiss Kiss by Tarkan Simarik
64. The Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang
65. Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers
66. Alors on Danse by Stromae
67. Beat Dat Beat by DJ Pauly D
68. Va Va Voom by Nicki Minaj
69. I Wear My Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart
70. Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins
71. Machine Head by Bush
72. Light Em Up by Fall Out Boy
73. Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah
74. 6 Foot 7 Foot by Lil Wayne & Corey Gunz
75. Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood
76. Play by David Banner
77. Pon de Floor by Major Lazer
78. Crawling by Linkin Park
79. Send the Pain Below by Chevelle
80. Let's Go by Trick Daddy
81. Overnight Celebrity by Twista
82. Glow by Nelly Furtado
83. Throb by Janet Jackson
84. Wish You Were Here by Incubus
85. Let Me Think About It by Ida Corr & Fedde Le Grande
86. U and Dat by E-40
87. One Thing by Amerie
88. Rhythm is a Dancer on my Humps by Black Eyed Peas vs Snap!
89. Flood by Jars of Clay
90. Friends and Family by Trik Turner
91. All Around Me by Flyleaf
92. My Own Prison by Creed
93. Beggin by Madcon
94. Move If Ya Wanna by Mims
95. Shooting Star by David Rush
96. Run the Show by Kat DeLuna
97. Blow My Whistle by DJ Alligator
98. Jerk It Out by The Caesers
99. Iesha by Another Bad Creation
100. Get Money by Junior Mafia

20 Cool Down Songs:

1. Silence by Delerium
2. What Now by Rihanna
3. Adore You by Miley Cyrus
4. Glory and Gore by Lorde
5. It Can't Rain All the Time by Jane Siberry
6. Falling Slowly by The Frames
7. Tennis Court by Lorde
8. Set Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol
9. Colorblind by Counting Crows
10. Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun
11. Midnight City by M83
12. Born to Die by Lana Del Rey
13. Stay by Rihanna
14. Nicest Thing by Kate Nash
15. Independent Love Song by Scarlet
16. Damaged by Plumb
17. Ride by Lana Del Rey
18. Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men
19. Africa by Toto
20. Lluvia by Nochell

Happy Sweating!

 

Cutting the Cable Cord

For years we have heard people gripe about the cost of television.  You get a great promotional price that after twelve months skyrockets into $100 plus per month.  Slaves to the boob tube.  What could you do with an extra $100 per month? 

Being an 80's kid myself, I remember when all we had were local channels.  Saturday morning cartoons were a big deal.  I still remember when we got our first satellite dish, it was ginormous.  Fast forward twenty five years later and most people can't fathom going without 200+ channels to pick from. 

Honestly, how many of those channels do you even watch?  You are paying for 200+ channels and most likely probably only find yourself watching 5-10 of them.  If you have a voice telling you that you need those channels, that you need cable, dish, whatever - muzzle it.  Because you don't.  I was once in your shoes too.  Telling myself that I just couldn't fathom life without Lifetime Movie Network or Investigation Discovery.  Blah, blah, blah.  I was a moron.  A moron paying over $100 per month. 

My husband and I make decent money and have jobs that we both really like.  We are not looking to leave our jobs until retirement.  So even though we do make decent money, we are always examining income versus expenses.  And since we aren't looking to change jobs or spend more time away from home working a second job, it is safe to say our income won't be increasing.  In order to free money up for other wants/needs, we would have to decrease expenses.  Which is oddly something that most people hate to do, even though it is quite simple.  If you are tight on money you only have those two options- increase income (higher wages, second job, selling assets, etc) or decrease expenses (cut out luxuries, decrease utility costs, less spending, couponing, etc).  I am about to explain in detail how to disable that cable bill. 

First thing that is important- find out if you are in a contract.  This is important as any savings you might be gaining might be flushed away with a penalty for breaking contract.  Any decent service isn't going to enforce anything more than a month to month contract.  Month to month means they are going to have decent customer service and work to keep prices low as you are able to cancel at any time.  Most contracts have a clause saying that the provider can increase cost at any time, be sure to always read the fine print.  So anytime you are searching for a service or a utility ALWAYS go with no contract or short term (no more than 6 months) if possible.  If you are in contract, find out the exact end date and prepare to make the switch then. 

Second thing- local channels are free.  Remember back in the day when we had CBS, ABC, NBC all at the turn of a dial?  Well, they are still free.  You just need an antenna.  And you can go with an indoor antenna instead of one of those roof top antennas.  Click here to learn about the different types of antennas available.  Click here to learn which channels you can get FOR FREE with an antenna in your area.  FREE...you don't need the internet, it will be your local channels, you can have any kind of TV and you can get these channels.  Personally, I have the Mohu Leaf for my indoor antenna.  Received them as Christmas presents (idea for when you draw a blank when people ask you what you would like as a gift). 

Want more than just a few channels to choose from?  Let's talk about streaming television.  While there are many, many options out there to choose from when we talk about streaming TV I am going to focus on the Roku because it is what I have and know. 

The Roku device itself does not have a monthly fee.  You pay up front for it (I paid $45 for ours and there are frequent sales on them) and that is that.  You own it and no more fees.  Some of the channels may have monthly subscription fees but I will get to that in a moment.  The Roku hooks right into your TV.  You must have wireless internet in order for it to work.  TV.  Roku.  HDMI cable.  WiFi.  Couch.  Go! 

So you have a Roku.  What now?  Start streaming!  Go to the Channel store and find what channels you like.  My husband LOVES the hunting and outdoor channels and so he had a field day finding all those.  I find myself frequently putting on the Pandora channel when I clean.  Other than Pandora I find myself frequenting three other channels- Netflix, Hulu Plus and Vudu.  Netflix and Hulu Plus both cost me $ 7.99 each per month.  Vudu has no monthly set fee but the movies/ television shows have different fees to access. 

Netflix is a common household term these days.  You don't need Roku to get Netflix.  You can use a Wii, Blu-Ray player, Smart TV, Xbox, etc to stream it (same with Hulu Plus).  Netflix has a way better selection of movies and TV series than Hulu Plus to choose from.  The catch is Hulu Plus has the most current seasons/episodes.  I love Scandal, Law & Order SVU, The Blacklist, The Following.  I can stream them on Hulu Plus the day after they air on regular TV.  Now because I do have the locals for free, I could watch them the night they air but I like the on-demand option as I don't always stay up late enough to watch these shows.  If I get interrupted I can stop and go back as many times as I want.  Or I can miss a few weeks worth of a show and get caught up all at once.  Hulu Plus has commercials, Netflix doesn't.  If I had to choose one over the other Netflix wins hands down every time. 

Vudu is my newest love.  We literally have to drive 15 minutes to the closest Redbox to rent the latest movies.  Which always results in an extra day or two of fees until we drive again back to the next town to return the DVDs.  Enter Vudu.  Newest releases- you choose whether you own the digital copy or just rent the film for 24 hours.  On top of that just for signing up for an account I got to choose five digital copies of movies for free.  Free.  Just for signing up for a free account.  Did I mention it was free?  Plus I just went up and purchased the Frozen Blu-Ray/DVD combo.  It came with the code for the digital copy so I logged on to Vudu and uploaded the code.  Boom, it is on my collection of digital movies that I can access without having to pop in the DVD.  Never to scratch or skip.  I am in love.  Friday nights is notorious for lazy nights in my home.  No housework, if we don't order out then dinner is simple and we just lounge all night lazy as can be.  We rented Catching Fire from the comforts of our couch without having to leave the house.  It was $ 3.99.  I am now watching it for the second time as it stays in your library for 30 days but once you play it, you get 24 full hours of the movie.  Watch it as many times as you want in that 24 hours.  Love.  Love.  Love.  No DVDs to return or lose or scratch.  Technology BLOWS MY MIND. 

Some other bonus options I have explored and want to let you know about:

• If you are already an Amazon Prime member, upload the Amazon Prime channel and stream your heart's desire away. 
• Redbox Instant is a fabulous channel for those of you who frequent the Redbox kiosks.  Why?   For being a member (I believe $8/month) each month you get 4 FREE kiosk credits.  Plus you get unlimited access to their streaming library. 
• YouTube channel.  YouTube on your TV.  Nuff said.

So after initial set up costs (can be done for under $100, less than one month of cable/ dish), I pay only $ 16 per month for television.  And I do not feel like I am lacking in any manner.  Do I miss Lifetime Movie Network or Investigation Discovery?  Yes, but not enough to pay $100 per month.  I am hoping that both channels get on board with the future of television and offer these channels to us streamers.  Plus, I am sure my husband is thrilled that I am no longer watching hours of television based on how to not get caught murdering your spouse. 

Not to mention, that $100 per month, $ 1200 per year back in my pocket feels pretty good.  We just bought kayaks and are looking forward to kayaking as a family all summer.  So what is holding you back?

• Bonus!  Try it before you buy it!  Normally Hulu Plus will offer you one week free trial, but by clicking here you can double that free trial into two weeks!  FREE, FREE, FREE!  Give it a shot before you commit!
• Netflix offers new customers one free month to try it before you buy it. 

A Step in the Future - Saying Goodbye

Every parent knows their child will one day grow up and lead a life of their own.  Our job is to raise them and prepare them for that day.  Some day, one day, any day now....what happens when it is THAT day? 

Jacob was ten years old when I first met him.  A quiet, small framed boy with a quick smile.  Over time I have watched him grow, although I didn't realize it was happening.  I look back at a photo and see that some of the baby face has faded, that his height has increased.  When I married his father, he became my stepson and his sister my stepdaughter.  I had never been a stepmom before, nor had they ever had one.  Taking two families and blending them is difficult, far more difficult than anyone who has never walked in those shoes could imagine.  There are a lot of family internal battles that occur with everyone trying to figure out where they stand, where they belong in the new family.  New traditions, new beliefs, new opinions on how daily life should be all blended into old traditions, old beliefs, old opinions.  There were a lot of tears, arguments and emotion.  I read books, we did family counseling.  I think of it as like an object that has been forced into an existing family tree.  The tree will eventually form around the object, encompass it until the object becomes part of the tree's identity. 

Of course Disney never helps with the portrayal of the wicked Stepmother.  Although Sony Pictures tried to take the heat off Stepmoms and place it on the male with the movie The Stepfather, the stigma still applies to the stepmother.  Before I could get my cackle down pat, I feel like the time has come for both of my stepchildren to become grown adults and now they are not just my stepchildren, but my friends that I enjoy being around.  We first felt the tinge of separation with Amanda graduating.  Next came Jake's graduation.  And then the day where he sat us down and told us he was enlisting in the Navy.  I cried, but not tears that could be easily explained.  The pride I felt in that moment was unreal.  Such an important decision and I had never seen him more determined or sure of anything in his life.  Of course those tears held some fear...fear of the unknown.  Fear of changes this decision would bring to our routine as a family.  And most importantly, tears as I heard the final tearing noise of both of the stepchildren diving headfirst into adulthood. 

Over the next several months of waiting until his departure date, I thought a lot about how this would affect my husband.  Although between the two of us there are four children, this is his only son.  His hunting buddy, the boy he cheered on from the sidelines, his namesake that he rocked to sleep as a baby.  I don't think the reality of the changes coming have sunk in with him yet and I am bracing for the storm that will hit when it does.  I worried about his sisters and how they would adjust.  Amanda and him had always been close, Paige looks up to her big brother and Madison idolizes him.  Madison is too little to understand what is happening.  One of my main focuses was ideas on how to maintain their close bond during his absence.  I still can clearly see him holding Madison for the first time.  It was the style at the time for boys to have longer bangs that they could whip aside with one turn of the neck and that hair fell forward as he leaned to kiss her sweet newborn face.  It was like witnessing love at first sight.  All three of the older kids have been monumental in helping raise and shape Madison into who she is today, with one of them gone it will be a forever incomplete puzzle.  Missing a key link.  I think about his Mama, the one who carried him and birthed him.  Who changed his diapers, watched him take his first step and bandaged his boo-boos.  Knowing how I feel as a stepparent, my heart goes out to her as how she must be feeling as a Mommy. 

The hours turned into days, the days into weeks, the weeks into months.  And then it happened. The day of departure.  The day that he stands before the bus a boy and steps upon it a man.  This is the "some day", the "one day" that we think about as parents.  And I realized, all these months that I worried how it would impact everyone around me, I never stopped to think about how it would affect me.  Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays- no guarantee of ever being "complete" at the holidays.  Vacations, celebrations, even family dinners- always one missing.  This is that day.  This is the day that nothing will ever be the same again.  He is stretching his wings and flying away from the nest.  Sure there will be visits, but he will never be coming "home" again.  There will always be another home that he will return to.  This is not like getting an apartment in the next town over.  He is dedicating several years of his life to the U.S. Military and will be at their mercy of where he shall go and when he will do it.  Pride, fear, sadness all formed into one lump in my throat. 

We blinked.  We blinked and it passed us by.  We blinked and he became a man.  There is no rewind button, no pause button.  Only a play, which feels a whole like lot fast forward to me.  I do not know what tomorrow brings and I can only carry so much of yesterday as my memory will allow.  This life is scary, beautiful, tragic and wonderful all at once and I am standing in the middle of it's twister as we speak.  It's like living in a snow globe, where all can be calm and at rest and then one shake of the globe and everything is tossed into the air, never to land exactly how it was before. 

I guess I can take peace from that analogy as no matter how it lands, it is still just as beautiful.  Just different.  So Jacob Brian, as you embark into your future, I just want you to know how proud your wicked stepmother is of you, of who you have become.  I am excited for all the places you will go, for all the friends you will make, for the life that you will carve out for yourself.  And keep in mind, if you ever find yourself in a spot in life where you aren't happy, just shake it up.  Keep shaking until everything lands just as you envisioned it would.  Today marks the very first day of the rest of your life and wherever that takes you, just remember you have a family back home that loves you so much.

And for the rest of my readers, cherish each moment.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you will spoil a little one by holding them, hugging them or kissing them too much.  There is no such thing as too much love, only not enough time.  Before you know it their some day, one day will arrive so don't you waste a drop of that time in between. 

I Love (Upstate) NY!

In the midst of a brutal NY winter, one that never seems to end, I needed a reminder of why I love this area.  When out of state people hear I Love NY or even New York State, they think the glitz and chaos of New York City.  Nice to visit, but my kind of New York couldn't be more opposite from the City. 

I live in Jefferson County- nestled on the shores of Lake Ontario.  Born and raised here, I am always at a loss when I hear of Fort Drum transplants complain of how much they dislike this area.  Perhaps different values, maybe different hobbies.  Granted, the humidity in the summer can feel suffocating at times, and several feet of snow falling is nothing new to us, but I still love that I can call upstate New York home. 

Today I was at the counter of a local butcher's shop (Little Barn Bulk Foods) picking up fresh cuts of meat and I was reminded of why I love it.  The owner saw some faces he didn't recognize and introduced himself with a smile and shook their hands.  I browsed the shop, looking at containers of local honey, marbled rectangles of homemade soaps, plastic bags of fresh cheese curd, homemade muscle relaxing rice bags, etc.  On the counter top was an advertising for next weekend open house at local maple syrup farms.  We are so fortunate to live in an agricultural area.  I can't fathom living in an area where there are no pumpkin patches to select the perfect jack o lantern from.  Can you imagine what it's like to grow up and not know what it's like to pick a ripe berry or green bean straight off the plant and pluck it into your mouth? 

We took the scenic route home and could drive for miles without seeing a house.  In another season, I am sure those fields would be occupied with cows or horses.  We did see some deer in the distance, at the edge of the thicket of trees.  While everything right now is covered in a frosty blanket of white, soon the green buds will appear on the branches and a lush carpet of green grass will replace the snow.  In the fall, those green buds will eventually turn into masterpieces of yellow, red, orange bursts that will cascade slowly down.  Raked into a huge pile creates hours of fun for little ones who run and jump into the pile of the leaves. 

I can enjoy the sandy beaches along the shore of Lake Ontario.  Or if I prefer the mountains, I am only a drive away from the Catskills or the Adirondacks.  Those who thrive in the faster pace of a city can seek refuge about an hour away in Syracuse.  Or a further drive will put you at Rochester, Buffalo or Albany.  I do fine with having Watertown within a fifteen minute drive away.  Lots of nationally known chains (Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Applebee's, Starbucks, etc) and then the treasure trove of locally owned gems in the area.  You could go fancy with Café Mira, Sboro's, Tin Pan or The Clipper Inn or casual with Fairground Inn, Jeans Beans, The Barley Pub, Gram's Diner or The Crystal Restaurant.  Bakeries like April's Cake Shop, Pearl's Pastry or Chrissy's Beanz provide unforgettable treats to quiet the fiercest of sweet tooth's!  For the health nuts, be sure you stop in to Mustard Seed or Green Thyme.

Especially if you enjoy the outdoors, upstate New York has endless options for you.  Hiking, Biking, Kayaking, Boating, Fishing, Hunting, Snowshoeing, Skiing, Snowboarding, Ice Skating, Sledding, ATV riding, Camping, Swimming, etc. 

To really experience what upstate New York has to offer be sure you:

• Attend Farmer's Markets to sample locally grown foods and locally made goods.  Click here for a list. 
• Visit Boldt Castle.
• Eat a Jreck Sub. 
• Feed the goats at Old McDonald's Farm.
• Pick your own apples at Behling Orchards. 
• Make your own jam with fresh berries you pick yourself - for a list of places that offer "u-pick", click here. 
• Visit Thompson Park- great playground for children (free), slide down the hill in the winter (free), ice skating (bring your own, free) or visit the Thompson Park Zoo (fees, best time is Boo at the Zoo around Halloween.)  Around the 4th of July they host the Syracuse Symphony followed by fireworks- all free.
• Adults looking for entertainment should check out Lake Ontario Playhouse Comedy Club or go on a wine tour of our local wineries. 
• Throw on your pajamas, pop some popcorn and jump in the car to head to the drive-ins for a double feature for less than the price of admission of one movie at the theater!  Choose from Black River Drive-Ins or Alex Bay Drive-Ins.  The South Jefferson Rescue Squad also hosts several FREE movies-on-the-lawn nights! 
• Check out the festivals galore including but not limited to:  The Cheddar Cheese Festival, The Cream Cheese Festival, NYS Woodsmen's Field Days, The French Festival,  Punkin Chunkin Festival, Made in New York Festival, etc. 
• Enjoy some fresh maple syrup during Maple Weekend's Open Houses! 
• Go tubing/skiing/boarding at Dry Hill Ski Area. 
• Check out the numerous State Parks in the area which provide grounds for hiking, snowshoeing, cross country skiing, picnicking, swimming, boating, etc. 
• Go white water rafting down the Black River. 
• Cut your own Christmas tree down after a horse-drawn sleigh ride at Hemlock Haven. 
• Stand in the middle of the Ice Castle at the Saranac Lake Winter Carnival. 
• Get an up close look at how the Eisenhower Lock works on the St. Lawrence Seaway!   
• See wind power at work and witness the towering wind mills located at the Maple Ridge Wind Farm. 
• Two words - Adirondack Mountains.  Those two words contain the most breathtaking scenery, the best hiking, the coziest towns year round.  A drive through the Mountains is a must at fall time.  Home to the 1980 Olympics, Lake Placid still offer luge and bobsled rides, skiing, skating and so much more.  Visit Six Flags Great Escape in Lake George. 
• Cool off during the humid summers with a visit to Enchanted Forest Water Safari in Old Forge. 
• Read a book at the beautiful Flower Memorial Library. 
• Visit the North Pole.  North Pole, NY that is...home of Santa's Workshop. 
• Hop aboard the Bunny Express or Polar Express at the Adirondack Scenic Railroad. 
• Take a cooking class with Boo Wells of The Farmhouse Kitchen. 
• Drive a go-kart, play some miniature golf or take a swing at the batting cages at Rt 342 Go Karts & More.
•  Explore the walking trails in the area. 
• Participate in geocaching at the Minna Anthony Common Nature Center. 

Or travel a bit further to enjoy these activities:

• Experience the power of the Niagara Falls.  While activities such as Maid of the Mist do charge a fee, to walk the park and witness the breathtaking falls it is FREE!! 
• Play at the National Museum of Play. 
• Experiment at the Museum of Science and Technology.
• Travel across the Thousand Islands Bridge and enter into a different country- Canada!
• Visit the Baseball Hall of Fame. 
• Prospect for diamonds at the Herkimer Diamond Mines. 
• Experience history at The Erie Canal. 
• Watch glassblowing at The Corning Museum of Glass. 
• Bounce around the Sky Zone Indoor Trampoline Park. 
• Explore endless choices of entertainment by visiting the I Love NY website...

Please feel free to comment below as there is no way one post could possibly encompass everything there is to see and do in upstate New York and surrounding areas!  I am hoping that this blog reaches those being stationed in Fort Drum or just new to the area see what a great area it really is.  Or maybe give long time residents ideas of things to see or do.  Or perhaps, like me, a reminder of why we live here...and LOVE IT! 

I'm Phat!

I am fat.  Now, society dictates that this is a statement that I should be ashamed of.  Something that I should try to fix.  If I claim self-love and self-acceptance, there will be people out there shaking their head saying it's denial.  That's fine, because I can't stop them from having their opinions.  They are the same people that judge me when I walk into a room, that base my worth on my weight.  I am more than a number or a pant size.  If the worst thing you could ever call me was fat, then I have lived a good and fulfilling life. 

I have tried to morph into what society tells me I should desire.  I have obsessed over calories, forced myself to exercise when I wanted to do something else, attended meetings, been hypnotized, listened to my stomach growl when my "points" were dangerously high for the day.  I have even gone under the scalpel and scarred my body in pursuit of a smaller pant size. 

Why?  Why have I done the things I have done?  Well I always thought that your waist size and your happiness were some how connected.  The smaller I am, the happier I will be.  That the only way I will be healthy, happy and fulfilled is if I fit into the proper BMI on a chart.  So I went to my family doctor, who told me that people who lose weight are mentally unwell.  Pffft...he must have been crazy.  So I changed family doctors.  This family doctor was not in favor of me pursuing weight loss surgery.  He tried to explain it to me like a football team, not everyone is meant to be the same size or else the team isn't very effective.  I don't even like football, so in one ear and out the other.

I had my surgery.  Lost weight, got into smaller pants....and yet, there was not a heaping pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.  In fact, I was losing weight because I kept throwing up everything I ate.  My hair was falling out in handfuls.  At family dinners, at Thanksgiving I would be in the bathroom heaving as my family enjoyed a delicious meal.  And losing weight didn't help my financial situation, didn't help with everyday stress.  Being a Mom, a full time employee, a wife, a housekeeper and human I found out that I would have to obsess over eating and exercising in order to keep up the weight loss.  I would watch my hair continue to thin, my teeth enamel wear down, the black circle under my eyes darken.  So I was smaller, but I wasn't happier. 

And, like many other do, I put weight back on.  Not sure if it is all of the weight, because honestly, I haven't been on a scale in months.  I focused on what the problem areas in my life were and worked on correcting what was wrong.  My hair started growing back in thicker, fuller with volume.  I still sometimes throw up, but only because I haven't had the reversal yet.  Yet.  I am not sure if I am willing to go under the knife again unless necessary.  I am starting to learn that if something is broke, you can't fix it.  I am starting to learn a lot.

For instance, my doctor's words are now coming back to me full force.  He mentioned that I was perfectly healthy, even healthier than some skinny people.  *Gasp*  Yes, a fat girl can be healthy.  My blood pressure, my cholesterol, my heart, my lungs- all healthy.  My blood work always comes back good, even before the surgery. 

I know when people look at me they probably think I drive thru McD's everyday.  Ummm, hate to tell you but The Biggest Loser is exaggerating when they show you the contestants doing that pre-show.  I hate McD's...and most fast food.  I really don't like fried food.  My family actually eats really healthy and balanced meals.  Last night we had an amazing pork tenderloin with cabbage and onions all baked in a Dutch oven, drizzled with extra virgin olive oil.  For a side we had wild rice.  We grow our own vegetables and to hear that some families go weeks without veggies or fruits is shocking to me.  We hardly ever go a day without fruits and veggies in our diet. 

Now don't get me wrong- I have a wicked sweet tooth.  I am weak when it comes to ice cream or brownies.  So I try to avoid buying those items and keeping them here at my home.  My sweet tooth is quite happy when I eat a banana with a spoonful of peanut butter and some chocolate chips.  I don't drink soda or alcohol.  I do love me some latte and some sweet iced lemon tea though.  I could actually live a fulfilling life never having another potato chip or French fry. 

So must be I am lazy right?  That has to be why I am fat.  Except I probably have done more 5ks than a majority of those reading this.  I even have a 10k under my belt.  Whoot whoot <--- the sound of me tooting my own horn.  And when I go to a gym, I know what to do and how to use the machines.  I am not afraid of weights.  I even have a mini-gym in my home.  Treadmill, elliptical and weight bench. 

I have beautiful eyes.  And when I take the time to do my hair, I think it's pretty.  When I do my hair and get dolled up, when I look in the mirror I think I look pretty.  So if all a person can see about me is my weight, maybe that person doesn't deserve to have someone as awesome as me in their life.  I am super funny, honest, smart, witty.  I am a good Mom.  I have volunteered my time to help out more times than I can count.  I am human, I make mistakes and I don't pretend to be something I am not.  I love my family fiercely.  I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  Friends who allow me to be everything I am without judgment, without regards to what society dictates.  This is who I am in my eyes and I like me.  I like me for who I am and what I am.  I like that I don't hate myself so much that I starve myself and insult myself constantly.  I like that I don't define myself by my weight and don't identify my worth with my pant size.  To me this is self love and self acceptance and if to you this is denial, then so be it.  Because I think I am phat....in the face of being fat. 

We all have our flaws.  I don't think I am perfect, but I am perfectly happy being who I am.  We are meant to be role models for our children and all this dieting and elimination of foods we love sends a message that if we are overweight, we are not good enough.  I'd rather teach them to find activities they love, relish delicious foods and no matter what, lead a good life. 

With all this said, if I had health issues stemming from my weight I can see it becoming necessary to focus and prioritize on lowering it.  In the end, there are overweight people who have lived full, long lives.  There are fit, healthy people who have dropped dead in their middle ages.  No matter which way you look at it, life is short so don't waste it trying to become how you think society wants you to be.  Don't attach self worth to a weight or size.  Keep in mind, that super fit person you envy has their own problems as well.  They are not happier, healthier, more talented, more intelligent, wealthier, more fulfilled just because they look like what you think you should. 

Happiness lies in doing things you enjoy, in achieving life goals, in surrounding yourself with people who make you happy and appreciate you in their life.  If you find happiness in running, going to the gym, swimming, cooking healthy meals, weight lifting, taking long walks, learning more about nutrition than that is great- do what makes you happy.  Never place your definition of happiness on what another person thinks of you.  Another person doesn't define you-  YOU DEFINE YOU. 

Bottom line- never let anyone make you feel less because you weigh more.