Jacob was ten years old when I first met him. A quiet, small framed boy with a quick smile. Over time I have watched him grow, although I didn't realize it was happening. I look back at a photo and see that some of the baby face has faded, that his height has increased. When I married his father, he became my stepson and his sister my stepdaughter. I had never been a stepmom before, nor had they ever had one. Taking two families and blending them is difficult, far more difficult than anyone who has never walked in those shoes could imagine. There are a lot of family internal battles that occur with everyone trying to figure out where they stand, where they belong in the new family. New traditions, new beliefs, new opinions on how daily life should be all blended into old traditions, old beliefs, old opinions. There were a lot of tears, arguments and emotion. I read books, we did family counseling. I think of it as like an object that has been forced into an existing family tree. The tree will eventually form around the object, encompass it until the object becomes part of the tree's identity.
Of course Disney never helps with the portrayal of the wicked Stepmother. Although Sony Pictures tried to take the heat off Stepmoms and place it on the male with the movie The Stepfather, the stigma still applies to the stepmother. Before I could get my cackle down pat, I feel like the time has come for both of my stepchildren to become grown adults and now they are not just my stepchildren, but my friends that I enjoy being around. We first felt the tinge of separation with Amanda graduating. Next came Jake's graduation. And then the day where he sat us down and told us he was enlisting in the Navy. I cried, but not tears that could be easily explained. The pride I felt in that moment was unreal. Such an important decision and I had never seen him more determined or sure of anything in his life. Of course those tears held some fear...fear of the unknown. Fear of changes this decision would bring to our routine as a family. And most importantly, tears as I heard the final tearing noise of both of the stepchildren diving headfirst into adulthood.
Over the next several months of waiting until his departure date, I thought a lot about how this would affect my husband. Although between the two of us there are four children, this is his only son. His hunting buddy, the boy he cheered on from the sidelines, his namesake that he rocked to sleep as a baby. I don't think the reality of the changes coming have sunk in with him yet and I am bracing for the storm that will hit when it does. I worried about his sisters and how they would adjust. Amanda and him had always been close, Paige looks up to her big brother and Madison idolizes him. Madison is too little to understand what is happening. One of my main focuses was ideas on how to maintain their close bond during his absence. I still can clearly see him holding Madison for the first time. It was the style at the time for boys to have longer bangs that they could whip aside with one turn of the neck and that hair fell forward as he leaned to kiss her sweet newborn face. It was like witnessing love at first sight. All three of the older kids have been monumental in helping raise and shape Madison into who she is today, with one of them gone it will be a forever incomplete puzzle. Missing a key link. I think about his Mama, the one who carried him and birthed him. Who changed his diapers, watched him take his first step and bandaged his boo-boos. Knowing how I feel as a stepparent, my heart goes out to her as how she must be feeling as a Mommy.
The hours turned into days, the days into weeks, the weeks into months. And then it happened. The day of departure. The day that he stands before the bus a boy and steps upon it a man. This is the "some day", the "one day" that we think about as parents. And I realized, all these months that I worried how it would impact everyone around me, I never stopped to think about how it would affect me. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays- no guarantee of ever being "complete" at the holidays. Vacations, celebrations, even family dinners- always one missing. This is that day. This is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. He is stretching his wings and flying away from the nest. Sure there will be visits, but he will never be coming "home" again. There will always be another home that he will return to. This is not like getting an apartment in the next town over. He is dedicating several years of his life to the U.S. Military and will be at their mercy of where he shall go and when he will do it. Pride, fear, sadness all formed into one lump in my throat.
We blinked. We blinked and it passed us by. We blinked and he became a man. There is no rewind button, no pause button. Only a play, which feels a whole like lot fast forward to me. I do not know what tomorrow brings and I can only carry so much of yesterday as my memory will allow. This life is scary, beautiful, tragic and wonderful all at once and I am standing in the middle of it's twister as we speak. It's like living in a snow globe, where all can be calm and at rest and then one shake of the globe and everything is tossed into the air, never to land exactly how it was before.
I guess I can take peace from that analogy as no matter how it lands, it is still just as beautiful. Just different. So Jacob Brian, as you embark into your future, I just want you to know how proud your wicked stepmother is of you, of who you have become. I am excited for all the places you will go, for all the friends you will make, for the life that you will carve out for yourself. And keep in mind, if you ever find yourself in a spot in life where you aren't happy, just shake it up. Keep shaking until everything lands just as you envisioned it would. Today marks the very first day of the rest of your life and wherever that takes you, just remember you have a family back home that loves you so much.
And for the rest of my readers, cherish each moment. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you will spoil a little one by holding them, hugging them or kissing them too much. There is no such thing as too much love, only not enough time. Before you know it their some day, one day will arrive so don't you waste a drop of that time in between.
No comments:
Post a Comment