I'm Phat!

I am fat.  Now, society dictates that this is a statement that I should be ashamed of.  Something that I should try to fix.  If I claim self-love and self-acceptance, there will be people out there shaking their head saying it's denial.  That's fine, because I can't stop them from having their opinions.  They are the same people that judge me when I walk into a room, that base my worth on my weight.  I am more than a number or a pant size.  If the worst thing you could ever call me was fat, then I have lived a good and fulfilling life. 

I have tried to morph into what society tells me I should desire.  I have obsessed over calories, forced myself to exercise when I wanted to do something else, attended meetings, been hypnotized, listened to my stomach growl when my "points" were dangerously high for the day.  I have even gone under the scalpel and scarred my body in pursuit of a smaller pant size. 

Why?  Why have I done the things I have done?  Well I always thought that your waist size and your happiness were some how connected.  The smaller I am, the happier I will be.  That the only way I will be healthy, happy and fulfilled is if I fit into the proper BMI on a chart.  So I went to my family doctor, who told me that people who lose weight are mentally unwell.  Pffft...he must have been crazy.  So I changed family doctors.  This family doctor was not in favor of me pursuing weight loss surgery.  He tried to explain it to me like a football team, not everyone is meant to be the same size or else the team isn't very effective.  I don't even like football, so in one ear and out the other.

I had my surgery.  Lost weight, got into smaller pants....and yet, there was not a heaping pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.  In fact, I was losing weight because I kept throwing up everything I ate.  My hair was falling out in handfuls.  At family dinners, at Thanksgiving I would be in the bathroom heaving as my family enjoyed a delicious meal.  And losing weight didn't help my financial situation, didn't help with everyday stress.  Being a Mom, a full time employee, a wife, a housekeeper and human I found out that I would have to obsess over eating and exercising in order to keep up the weight loss.  I would watch my hair continue to thin, my teeth enamel wear down, the black circle under my eyes darken.  So I was smaller, but I wasn't happier. 

And, like many other do, I put weight back on.  Not sure if it is all of the weight, because honestly, I haven't been on a scale in months.  I focused on what the problem areas in my life were and worked on correcting what was wrong.  My hair started growing back in thicker, fuller with volume.  I still sometimes throw up, but only because I haven't had the reversal yet.  Yet.  I am not sure if I am willing to go under the knife again unless necessary.  I am starting to learn that if something is broke, you can't fix it.  I am starting to learn a lot.

For instance, my doctor's words are now coming back to me full force.  He mentioned that I was perfectly healthy, even healthier than some skinny people.  *Gasp*  Yes, a fat girl can be healthy.  My blood pressure, my cholesterol, my heart, my lungs- all healthy.  My blood work always comes back good, even before the surgery. 

I know when people look at me they probably think I drive thru McD's everyday.  Ummm, hate to tell you but The Biggest Loser is exaggerating when they show you the contestants doing that pre-show.  I hate McD's...and most fast food.  I really don't like fried food.  My family actually eats really healthy and balanced meals.  Last night we had an amazing pork tenderloin with cabbage and onions all baked in a Dutch oven, drizzled with extra virgin olive oil.  For a side we had wild rice.  We grow our own vegetables and to hear that some families go weeks without veggies or fruits is shocking to me.  We hardly ever go a day without fruits and veggies in our diet. 

Now don't get me wrong- I have a wicked sweet tooth.  I am weak when it comes to ice cream or brownies.  So I try to avoid buying those items and keeping them here at my home.  My sweet tooth is quite happy when I eat a banana with a spoonful of peanut butter and some chocolate chips.  I don't drink soda or alcohol.  I do love me some latte and some sweet iced lemon tea though.  I could actually live a fulfilling life never having another potato chip or French fry. 

So must be I am lazy right?  That has to be why I am fat.  Except I probably have done more 5ks than a majority of those reading this.  I even have a 10k under my belt.  Whoot whoot <--- the sound of me tooting my own horn.  And when I go to a gym, I know what to do and how to use the machines.  I am not afraid of weights.  I even have a mini-gym in my home.  Treadmill, elliptical and weight bench. 

I have beautiful eyes.  And when I take the time to do my hair, I think it's pretty.  When I do my hair and get dolled up, when I look in the mirror I think I look pretty.  So if all a person can see about me is my weight, maybe that person doesn't deserve to have someone as awesome as me in their life.  I am super funny, honest, smart, witty.  I am a good Mom.  I have volunteered my time to help out more times than I can count.  I am human, I make mistakes and I don't pretend to be something I am not.  I love my family fiercely.  I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  Friends who allow me to be everything I am without judgment, without regards to what society dictates.  This is who I am in my eyes and I like me.  I like me for who I am and what I am.  I like that I don't hate myself so much that I starve myself and insult myself constantly.  I like that I don't define myself by my weight and don't identify my worth with my pant size.  To me this is self love and self acceptance and if to you this is denial, then so be it.  Because I think I am phat....in the face of being fat. 

We all have our flaws.  I don't think I am perfect, but I am perfectly happy being who I am.  We are meant to be role models for our children and all this dieting and elimination of foods we love sends a message that if we are overweight, we are not good enough.  I'd rather teach them to find activities they love, relish delicious foods and no matter what, lead a good life. 

With all this said, if I had health issues stemming from my weight I can see it becoming necessary to focus and prioritize on lowering it.  In the end, there are overweight people who have lived full, long lives.  There are fit, healthy people who have dropped dead in their middle ages.  No matter which way you look at it, life is short so don't waste it trying to become how you think society wants you to be.  Don't attach self worth to a weight or size.  Keep in mind, that super fit person you envy has their own problems as well.  They are not happier, healthier, more talented, more intelligent, wealthier, more fulfilled just because they look like what you think you should. 

Happiness lies in doing things you enjoy, in achieving life goals, in surrounding yourself with people who make you happy and appreciate you in their life.  If you find happiness in running, going to the gym, swimming, cooking healthy meals, weight lifting, taking long walks, learning more about nutrition than that is great- do what makes you happy.  Never place your definition of happiness on what another person thinks of you.  Another person doesn't define you-  YOU DEFINE YOU. 

Bottom line- never let anyone make you feel less because you weigh more.