An Agnostic Christmas

Americans are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

I just read that headline.  Truthfully, it ticks me off.  It implies that all Americans should be Christian and using the holiday season to celebrate the birth of Christ. 

This is where I pause and wonder what a "free" nation really is?  Phil Robertson and Paula Deen have already proved we really don't have the freedom of speech.  Taxes guarantee that we can never be free from debt.  And statements like this truly show that although we may preach freedom of religion, really there isn't a whole lot of tolerance for "non-Christians". 

Prepare yourself as I am about to declare myself as Agnostic.  No, this does not mean that I sacrifice animals, practice witch craft or dance around nude chanting to the fairies.  That last part must have been me walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night, stubbing my toe and you misheard which F word I used.  It means that I acknowledge that there may or may not be a deity or deities in play in the universe.  I approach the topic with lots of questions and skepticism.  And for me, at least, I have zero religion.  This does not mean I am without faith, but I have no use for religions.  I do believe them to be a form of society control. 

If you are religious, or devout, I do not judge you at all.  I do not out right debate with you or question your beliefs.  However, I doubt that most religious people would give me the same open minded tolerance.  Please don't pray for me, it's somewhat insulting to me as it indicates something is wrong with me. 

Nothing is wrong with me.  I am even baptized as an Episcopalian.  I was raised by two parents, who are still married to this day, who both love and have a strong faith in their God.  I know they as well wish that I would also have the same kind of faith and believe in God and Heaven.  However, I am most comfortable identifying as Agnostic than any other faith related label out there.  I have my reasons, one of the most prominent being a college level course of Philosophy that really got me to examine what my beliefs were.  I wrote a twelve page paper on whether living beings have souls or not as my final.  Fabulous teacher, she got me to think and question everything I had ever been conditioned to believe in.  But as I am not looking to be saved or for you to try to convince me of your beliefs, I will not go into any other detail on what it was that really made up my mind for me.  I refuse to make up my daughters' minds for them as well.  I did not baptize them as I want them to find what belief they find most speaks to them.  I sent my daughter to Bible School.  She asked to pray when my sister's dog died and I prayed with her.  I am careful to keep my Agnostic opinions close to bay as not to cloud their thoughts with mine.   

The entire point to this blog is to let people know that non-Christians do celebrate Christmas as well.  And it is without Christ, because to celebrate Christ at this time of year but not any other would be, well, hypocritical.  So my holiday season, my holiday décor, my traditions all celebrate other aspects of the holiday.  Did you know that there is documentation of a celebration around the same time of year even before Christ was born?  Have you ever asked yourself what a tree has to do with the birth of Christ?  Some of your traditions are actually from my beliefs of what I celebrate. 

In the darkest days of winter, people would celebrate light- hence the Christmas lights.  Mid to end December was when all the animals had been slaughtered and the harvest was over so people had an abundance of food- hence the big dinners and feasts.  For some, it was the only time they had fresh meat.  Also the fermentation of wine and beer was finally complete- hence the party and celebration. 

For those who are already rolling your eyes at this, please note that scholars beg to differ at the date of December 25th for Jesus' birthday.  In fact, studies have suggested it would have been springtime. 

In fact, the history of Christianity shows that the church only decided to start celebrating Jesus' birthday at this time of year in order to absorb the Pagan celebration of winter solstice.   In the early years, it was less of a family holiday and more of a drunk fest.  It was Americans who took the holiday and made it a family-centered celebration.  In the early 1800's right around the time that Charles Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol, families began to be more aware of the emotional needs of a child and started using Christmas as a day to lavish gifts upon a child who typically was not spoiled.

So Americans put the family in the holiday and made it less like Mardi Gras.  And Christmas originally was not to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but eventually the Christian church put that spin on it.  In fact the green tree that almost all Christians erect in their home at this time of year has no relation to Jesus.  It was to remind people during the winter months of the green that they enjoyed in the spring & summer and that they hoped would return after the "Sun God" recovered from illness (which is why they thought winter happened).  Some countries actually believed that placing wreaths, garlands of evergreens and trees in the home would ward off evil spirits and witches.   It also celebrates life over death, a sign of a live plant in the midst of a winter stretch. 

I celebrate Santa, which as much as most Christians would balk at, is not much different to Jesus in my mind.  A figure of faith, one who is good and kind and cares for all.  One who frowns at bad behavior and rewards good behavior.  In fact, legend tells it St. Nicholas really did exist and show all he encountered kindness and generosity.  St. Nicholas' Dutch nickname was Sinter Klass.

So for the headlines that say Americans are taking the Christ out of Christmas, for me it was never about Christ.  For me this is a celebration of family, of friends, of tradition, of good will and kindness to others, of generosity.  I celebrate the snow and the harvest behind us (and yes, we truly do harvest our garden).  I celebrate the good in people at this time of year.  I celebrate Santa and all he stands for to me- Childhood, magic, faith, miracles, hope.  I lavish gifts on those I love, the one time of year that I actually do.  Every year I focus on helping out those who are less fortunate or donate to a charity.  I will eat, I will drink, I will be merry. 

I will leave it up to the Christians to put the Christ in their Christmas. 

The World of Wal-Mart

I have never had as passionate of a love/hate relationship as I have with Wal-Mart.  I love Price Chopper, Tops, Target, K-Mart.  However I loathe driving store to store.  It’s exhausting.  If I can get everything I need in one stop, I am there.  Enter angels playing harps, saints singing and the Wal-Mart logo shining in the light at the end of the tunnel.  You need socks, raisins, a picture frame and grapes?  Wal-Mart.  Tampons, a gift for a child’s birthday party, bread and eggs?  Wal-Mart. 

Now if you have a need for a strapless bra and have a cup size bigger than a D, you are shit out of luck.  First of all, purchasers for Wal-Mart, let me tell you something about life.  If you are rocking an “AA” cup, you probably don’t really need a strapless bra.  Or a bra at all.  Get some duct tape to cover up the nipples, and you are good to go.  And for those women who are fortunate, and yes I said fortunate, enough to rock those A’s- don’t wish for bigger.  Believe me, bigger may be better in lots of situation…..bigger bank account, bigger house, men ; ) , bigger pay raises, etc.  In the boobage department less is better.  So remove some of those AA bras from the shelves and stock up on some bigger bras for the ladies who need that support.  Believe me when I say those tiny ta-ta ladies are shopping Victoria’s Secret. 

Next, Wal-Mart hands down has the rudest people shopping there.  I get cart rage maneuvering down the aisles.  When we almost play bumper carts and I smile and say, “Sorry”, Bitch do not roll your eyes at me.  I am carrying a couponing bag.  It contains scissors.  I will cut you.  Okay, maybe I won’t.  Maybe I just like to pretend I am street for life, a bad ass you don’t ever cross with an eye roll.  But I will give you the stink eye and silently in my mind threaten to cut you with my child safety scissors!

Seriously though, what about placing your hands on a Wal-Mart shopping cart turns a majority of people into rude, miserable beings?  This is not a highway, there is no one who has a right of way.  When you come flying down the aisle, keep in mind the people around the corner can not see you coming so just proceed with caution.  Maybe try smiling.  Maybe don’t drop the “F” bomb when you are screeching at your filthy little children. 

And Ladies, how the hell and who the hell pisses on a toilet seat and just leaves it there in a LADIES room??  We don’t aim, it’s just squat and release!  On that note, who the hell doesn’t feel the need to flush in a public restroom??  That is NASTY!  If you are that gross in public, I would hate to see your bathroom at home.  I always make sure I don’t leave an evidence trail.  If you have to perform the triple flush, you do it.  If you have to report a clogged toilet to customer service, you act like you found it like that instead of you clogging it yourself.  And if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. 

If you are a cashier, I do not need to know about the raging case of diarrhea your lunch gave you.  As I watch you handle each item I bought, each grocery item and you are telling me, a complete stranger, about the cramps that are wrecking havoc on your intestines.

Finally, I don’t care who you are.  I don’t care if you are a shopper, an employee or the damn owner of Wal-Mart.  DO NOT stand in front of the entrances/exits and smoke your chemical filled cigarettes.  You have every choice to smoke, do it in your car.  I should not have to walk through that cloud to leave or enter.  And even more infuriating, my children should NEVER have to breathe that in.  Stand off to the side, where no other people are.   Be courteous. 

While these are all things I LOATHE about Wal-Mart, their low prices and convenient Super store always draws me back.  I just wish people would be more aware of their surroundings…you never know when a crazy Mama with child safety scissors may be lurking!

I Know Why Female Praying Mantis Eat Their Mates…

I know of these three things to be true:

A.  I have not taken my Zoloft in two days now.  I have been so busy I haven’t had a chance to get to the pharmacy.  Anyone who is an avid reader of my blogs will know that by day three of no Zoloft and a person is apt to eat someone’s face off.  For realz.

B.  I have not had decent sleep in two nights.  I went out for my sister’s bachelorette party on Saturday and did not get home until the wee hours of the morning.  We all know there is no such thing as sleeping in with children in the house.  Last night I was also out of my Benadryl (which helps keep my sinuses clear and also helps me go night night).  This combined with my husbands snoring made for a very little amount of sleep last night.

A + B = C. I hate dislike the world.

Especially men and small children who ask if I have a baby growing in my belly.  Not unless Food is the Daddy. 

I have heard increasing cases of women talking about how their men either don’t want to be “trapped” by children or how they need a “break” from their families.  Now, let me clarify this is not my husband.  Should my husband ever even whisper those words within hearing distance of my ears I would castrate him as I kicked his ass out the door.  Multi-tasking at it’s finest.

Apparently not all women are as complicated and violent to live with, because an alarming amount of women report these words falling upon their ears. 

Let’s first examine the entrapment of children.  How ironic that the very cause of children just happens to be the very reason men seek out women.  Sex.  Now yes, women do like sex.  We talk about it.  We enjoy it, or fake enjoying it at times.  However our lives are not quite as fixated on it as men’s lives.  And of course, by our I mean women in the same age demographic and similar mindset as myself.  I enjoy the occasional horizontal polka dance, if nothing mind blowing is on Pinterest or if Vampire Diaries is a rerun.  However I never in my single days went out seeking just a one night stand or went out to hunt down some sex.  I have always understood that each rendezvous could lead to a small human propelling from my body, even with birth control.  Because nothing is 100% unless you have had some form of your anatomy removed. 

Point?  Men, if you fear becoming “trapped” by a miniature version of yourself in childlike form, I suggest abstinence until you are mentally, emotionally and financially mature enough to accept the possible consequences of your actions.  Otherwise I have news for you:  Just as our “fun bags” are not primarily for your viewing pleasure, sex is not primarily for your pleasure.  The primary reason for sex is for reproduction.  I am sure science and/or God had great intentions making it potentially pleasurable too but that might have been a mistake…

I know, this is a lot to take in.  If you want we can pause for you to grab a beer, scratch your ass or maybe to go invest in a box of condoms. 

Break over. 

Speaking of breaks, let’s take a look at men who get “Family Overload” and the only cure is “A Break”.  Now typically speaking these breaks come in form of either a trip to the bar, golf course or tree stand but apparently in order for Man to not self destruct he must receive these “Breaks”.  You know, because Men work and well… What the hell else do you FREAKING DO???  Good job going and putting in your hours at work, maybe riding around the lawn on your mower while sipping a beer and perhaps after some nagging carrying the bag of trash out but please enlighten me on how the life of a male is so much more difficult that a female’s and therefore deserves “breaks”.  Try getting up, packing lunches, getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast while you sip on some coffee and maybe eat the portions of uneaten toast from their plates as you fly out the door with mismatched socks and concealer on to cover up the circles under your eyes.  Once you buckle the kids in, only then do you remember that you need to take out chicken for dinner so you dash back in to take the chicken out of the freezer for the meal you planned that night, drop kids off at school, proceed to go to work, get a call from school to go pick up a sick child while you try to juggle your work load with needing to go retrieve a puking feverish child, spend the rest of the day emptying out puke buckets and washing blankets while you attempt to console your little one in between making the grocery list that you need to go get tomorrow and with bills still waiting to get paid.  Once you get lists and bills done, you try to clean the house but the minute you leave one room cleaned, your family destroys it behind you.  You turn to Facebook to pretend to have a sliver of a social life and then read a status that reminds you swim lessons sign ups are tonight.  As dinner is boiling on the stove top, your child starts vomiting again and then your husband walks in the door announcing he has had a long day and needs a “break” and will be back later. 

Let me tell you what “break” you deserve.  You deserve to have the door “break” your pathetic ass as it slams behind you after your wife kicks you out as she “breaks” off the marriage/relationship.  You are going to have to take a few “breaks” from work to attend Family Court to find out how much child support is going to “break” the bank.  No “breaks” come on every other weekend visitations when you have the kids all to yourself while your ex-wife is taken out to “break”fast by her new man who knows what a catch she is. 

Sure life and parenting is hard at times, for all parties involved.  If the man thinks he deserves some times for his friends and hobbies, he needs to realize so does the woman.  He might have to sacrifice some of his “breaks” in order to ensure she gets hers as well.    It’s called compromise and caring for someone other than yourself.  And maybe arrange to take a few of those “breaks” together by hiring a sitter and taking your woman out to dinner. 

P.S….Grocery Shopping does NOT count as a break for women! 

Women, you did not create that child alone.  The burden should not alone fall on your shoulders.  You should not have to ask your partner to “watch” their own children, to help with bedtime or to chip in around the house.  Even if it as simple as getting to sleep in every Sunday or a few nights a week to attend Zumba or go to the gym, you deserve you time as well.  If he doesn’t agree, you have the right to a better life than that. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!

Dirty Sex, Zombie Cats and Television

Let me start out by saying that I can go a long, long time without the luxury of cable television. I have my shows that I like but especially with the invention of the DVR, I have to be in the mood to just veg out and watch the boob tube. Otherwise I can find a million other things to do. When I was a single Mama attending college and living in my own apartment I was fine without cable TV, especially as long as I had internet and DVDs.

With that said, now I must confess that when I hear of a popular TV series, I can only take it so long before I wonder what all the fuss is about. People really are sheep, we follow the herd. When a bunch of us rave about something, the herd usually follows. I mean must be how the Keurig and K-Cups got so popular because I have tried that coffee and it is weak as hell. Mocha Nut Swirl and Irish Crème Infusion both taste like weak as hell coffee. No flavor and EXPENSIVE!

First I did it with Grey’s Anatomy. Then Law & Order SVU. Then Sons of Anarchy. I turn the Netflix on and every other aspect of my life is ignored until I get thru every single episode. I submerge and obsess. So of course, it only makes sense to submerge and obsess over The Walking Dead. Now I am not one for gore, so it was a tad bit iffy at the beginning if I was going to like the series. However, I am now on Season 2, Episode 10. I have made a few observations about zombie apocalypses.

• Observation # 1: I am curious where these people get an over abundance of ammunition from. They have to seek out medications, water, fuel but I have yet to hear them say, “Oh crap, we are down to one box of ammo, we need to venture out to get more.” Same with Daryl’s arrows, which to me are even harder to find a supply of.
• Observation # 2: You don’t shower. You don’t own a toothbrush anymore. You have wore the same clothes for six weeks straight. There is an awful lot of sex going on for such low standards of personal hygiene. Not to mention that having sex would probably make the lowest priority on my list if trying to not be eaten alive by the walkers. So each time anyone kisses or begins to even suggest getting it on, I am gagging at the thought of their breath, their body odor & the grime on their skin. Sorry but I just can’t do skank sex.
• Observation # 3: It’s obvious these ladies have their periods once a month but yet I have yet to hear them say, someone needs to make a tampon run. Sorry, but as a female my mind instantly goes there when I think of surviving. I can’t even help it when I watch Survivor on CBS. I think periods should just stop in the event of survival mode. And in honor of # 2 & # 3 combined…why would you have sex if you could possibly get pregnant? Lori proved to the world why sex during an apocalypse of any kind is deadly.
• Observation # 4: How come animals don’t come back as zombies? I have yet to see a dog, cat or cow zombie.
• Observation # 5: I let it slide with Jase from Duck Dynasty but when I found myself winking and blowing kisses at Daryl, I had to admit that I have an odd attraction towards rednecks with a chip on their shoulder. It explains my husband, but I do make him shower before any sexual conduct.

Maybe I overanalyze, but I am realistic. It’s why I have a hard time with Sci-Fi or paranormal. My five year old came out in the living room last night when I was watching the episode with the walkers in the barn. I explained to her that it was just a show and the people wore make up and pretended to be zombies for the show. We talked about how they weren’t real and that’s why she never saw one in real life. We argued whether vampires were real because if bats exist then vampires must (five year old logic). She had a toy kitten that meows and walks nearby. She was playing with it and observing how ratty it looked, I said to her, “Is that a zombie kitty?” Quickly backtracking because I was worried about scaring her I said I was joking and she was a pretty kitty. At that very moment she squeezed the kitty to make it meow…of course the batteries decide to weaken in that very moment and the meow turns into a zombie like low moan.

I have always hated cats.

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A Case Study of Men

Men.  There are times that I truly fail to comprehend how your species has survived.  Differences between gender are evident (aside from the obvious anatomy of course).  Men have greater muscle mass, greater amounts of body hair, less emotional and less common sense. 

I am sure any female reading this is nodding her head and muttering MMmmmhmmm while men are shaking their head and saying wtf?!  Don't worry boys, I have plenty of evidence to back up my hypothesis. 

Study #1:  Male calls female that he refers to as his wife as she is working.  He asks what is for dinner, because of course he has no hand in planning meals or purchasing groceries.  When the answer is upside down night with fruit topped pancakes and bacon he wants to know what kind of bacon.  Once again I point out this male DOES NOTHING towards buying groceries.  No coupon clipping, no meal planning, no grocery shopping, no ad scanning.  So of course he does not know that it is turkey bacon, selected as his wife prefers the taste and it is a healthier choice for the entire family.  He groans.  She points out it is better for his heart.  He does not hesitate and replies, "Who is the one who had weight loss surgery and still sits in the chair at night and crams cookies in her mouth?" 

Let me pause while all females suck in a gasp, cover their mouth and then say, "Oh no he didn't".  Males are probably laughing, giving him an air high five. 

Conclusion:  NO COMMON SENSE!!!!  Said female wakes up, gets herself and her two children ready for the day and off to school and work, puts in a full day at work, comes home, gets dinner going, picks up around the house, is attempting to build a blog empire, exercises, does any errands needed, pays bills, has remodeled nearly the entire house, fills the role of Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, mediator, counselor, nurse, friend, daughter, sister, wife...IF I WANT A FREAKING COOKIE OR EIGHT I WILL HAVE IT!!!! 

Study #2:  Female barely slept the night before.  Lots on her mind, couldn't get comfortable, sick child, whatever the reason.  She had a bad day at work.  The house is a wreck.  Bills outweigh income.  A friend received bad news.  Just a day from hell.  Female is trying to cook dinner, grease splatters back on her hand, child is in kitchen.  She yells for husband to please get off the couch and come get child out of kitchen.  He comes out, ticked that she interrupted ESPN or his video game and snaps, "Are you on your rag?"

Females at this point have gone out to get the cast iron frying pan to just put themselves out of misery by offing their husband now.  They know how infuriating this question is.  Men are having flashbacks to the last time they slept on the couch due to saying these words.

Conclusion:  NO COMMON SENSE!!!  First of all even if we do have our period, that only calls for our husbands, partners, whatever to be more sensitive and pamper us more.  We do not choose to have our inside membrane ripped from the muscles it lines, have our uterus ceiling cave in and the Raging Red Rapids to come gushing out of our bodies.  Gag if you must, we live this horror story and you brought it up.  Not to mention this is YOUR FAULT that we even have our periods.  Click here if you want to see the reasoning behind that statement. 

What Women Want:  We want you to do your fair share.  These dirty dishes are our dirty dishes.  It was not just one of us who made the mess, so we both should share in cleaning it up.  These wild hooligans running around, it took two to create and it takes two to raise.  We should not have to ask you to please give them a bath or help put them to bed.  No one has to ask us to do that.  Offer to go grocery shopping, to help with Christmas shopping or wrapping.  Help with dinner, every night.  Let us sleep in on Sundays, watch a Lifetime movie with us, pretend to be remotely interested when we share gossip with you.  It's all common sense. 

**Disclaimer** No men were hurt during this case study.  Thoughts of bodily harm definitely crossed female's mind but she had enough self control to finish out the study.  Plus she is not done watching enough Investigation Discovery television and taking notes on how to not get caught.  No, female was not "on the rag" during the development of research findings.  It is our hopes that this research will lead to a surge of common sense and sensitivity in the male species.  Now leave me alone while I eat my cookies.