An Oldie but Goodie: The Pap Fear

I love how Eve or Mother Nature takes the blame for the monthly curse on all women. I believe that Eve was home, trying to take care of the kids, keep the Garden of Eden clean and keep her nude body in shape. Adam was sitting in a hammock made of leaves and twigs, watching T-Rex take on a Raptor and Eve asked Adam to please go out and get some dinner for the kids. Adam, being the typical man, ran to the Forbidden Fruit tree because it was closer than the Allowed Fruit Tree, grabbed this illegal fruit and ran home so he wouldn’t miss as much of the fight. Eve, unknown that her husband had cheated and broken the Holy Law, took a bite of the fruit as she prepared it for the hoards of children. Bam…we all have monthly hell. It’s why it’s called MENstruation…

Being a woman has so many benefits. Periods. Shaving. Pregnancy (which the side effects could be a whole paragraph of their own…nausea..morning sickness…stretch marks…labor…leaky breasts). Menopause. And of course, the gynecologist.

I wonder at what point in life gynecologists say, hmm I really want to be a gynecologist. My sister became an English teacher because she loves literature. My mother became a nurse because she felt helping people was her passion. I work with accounting because I am good at it. So is it the love of the female anatomy? The passion for Pap Smears? Because you are good with internals? I don’t get it…

Sooo I decided it was time for me to hoist myself up into those stirrups. I have a slightly unusual paranoia about diseases of that region and truly wish I could opt for a volunteer hysterectomy. It’s on my surgery wish list. So despite my Pap Fear, I made an appointment. Lucky me, they got me in the day after I called..which happened to be today! I hadn’t had a pap smear since 2009, but not because I skipped a year. No, it’s simply because I thought to myself since I was officially an adult (30) I should break away from Planned Parenthood and get a real gynecologist. So I did. Epic fail. I went to the “real” gynecologist two or three times and she never even had me take my pants off. It’s like going to the foot doctor and he never looks at your feet. I am not even really sure what it was she did for me and then charged my insurance $137.00 for. Per visit. So back to my beloved Planned Parenthood I went. I’m a fan of Margo, although I am sure she has seen 95% of Jefferson Counties’ vaginas.

Did the normal novel of paperwork. No I don’t want a copy of your privacy policy. Yes I have insurance. Yes you can contact me and leave a message. I’m not concerned about what my Mom will think. Peed in a cup. Which I think the cups are getting smaller. Thank God I have good aim. Weighed in…at 40 pounds weight loss by the way. No I don’t want HIV testing…No I better not need Chlamydia and Gonnorrhea testing…if all that was negative in 2009 it BEST be negative now or else my husband has some explaining to do! The nurse is about to leave when she says, “Tina will be in.” Tina…who is Tina? I am now in panic mode. I love and trust Margo. She can be doing her thing at one end of the table and chatting me up about her son doing a spinning class at the same time. She is that good. So I disrobe, waist down and cover my lap with the flimsy little cloth thing that looks like an oversized dental bib to me. I say the prayer that most females say as they await for the doctor/practitioner…you know…Oh I hope I don’t have a sudden bout of gas, I hope it all looks presentable down there…once you have one vagina you have seen them all…like pumping yourself up before the big game. Just they don’t serve snacks here.

Tina comes in and I size her up. Within minutes I like her. She instantly puts me at ease and is very chatty. She is suprised when I tell her about my experience with a “real” gynecologist. She tells me that people think once they get insurance they should see a “real” gynecologist but it always isn’t in the best interest of the patient. Judging by the thickness of my chart, she may be right. I feel foolish for ever feeling like the grass was greener in another office.

So now for the big announcement. Pap smears are no longer recommended every year. Apparently the United States was the only country who did them annually and now it is every two years for women over age 21 and every three years for women over age 30. She said that because we have had it pounded into our heads that we need one every year, it may sound scary to go that long without a test but it’s actually safer to have them less often. Even if you were to get HPV, it takes three years for it to develop into cancer so as long as you go when you are supposed to all will be fine. It doesn’t apply to high-risk individuals (aka Hoochie Mama’s) but I was pleasantly suprised!

She also told me as I lose weight, it doesnt necessarily mean I will have worse periods. In fact, excess fat can lead to heavier, worse periods. It was like twenty minutes of education. Tina is my hero! She did take a peek at the plumbing to make sure it all looked dandy and recommended that still be done every year. So unfortunately that means she had to break out the Jaws of Strife. Any one who has been to a GYN knows what I am talking about. I am 99% sure that contraption was invented by the same man who invented heels, pantyhose, tampons, and underwire.

So all is well and I am all set in the female department for another year. I am done trialing new GYN’s. I am a loyal patron of Planned Parenthood. Of course if Dr. Barnes ever returns to this area, all bets are off but I doubt that dream will ever happen.  I bet Dr. Barnes never would have taken the shortcut of picking fruit from the forbidden tree....