Somewhat recently on Facebook I noticed a picture, obviously man created, boasting the love for vaginas. It made me giggle and sigh.
Men...we have you fooled. Fooled into thinking that the vagina is a sexy, mystical erotic playground. Oozing with seduction. I am going to break your heart. It oozes all right...just not with seduction. This playground has been built on top of a sewage system. It violates many safety codes. It may look fun from afar, but really, it's overrated and possibly a little hazardous to your health. Bad engineering.
I don't understand the hype about the vagina. I am obviously quite at ease discussing all aspects of the anatomy. So yes, I have had many conversations with many of my female friends and not a one of them raves about their vagina. If men only had half a clue of even a fraction of the situations that occur in the "down under" they probably would "switch teams".
I love my best friend. Probably unnaturally so, like borderline obsession. In fact, we have a retirement plan of living together in the Golden Years. It will be completely sexless as we both are straight and we honestly know too much about each other's disgusting hoo-hoos. At least once a day one of us will ask the other, "Can you smell my vagina from where you are standing?" True story. And most times the other can't. Most times. Just this morning we both revealed we didn't bother wearing underwear when we went out in public. We have officially given up on caring about what wobbles to and fro and what hangs low (her exact words). We are so brutally honest with each other about our bodies and we find that situations that may seem embarassing or shameful are acutally common. For instance, the word that will make most women blush and groan...queef. (You know you either just giggled or groaned or both). We decided early on in our friendship that this is a ridiculous word and we are not even sure of how it became part of the English vocabulary. We renamed in, more appropriately so, the Fargina. Unfortunately society sees movies and porn that glamorize sex and really set us up for major disappointment. You never see a movie star fargina in the middle of a scene. Do men even realize what is going on or do they think you just ripped gas on them?
But then again girls don't ever have gas. Oh no, no. We release glitter sprinkling unicorns into the air.
If the sexual organs were meant to be lusted over as we do in society, should they not have been engineered more attractively? I mean women all over are fantasizing about Magic Mike, however I am not sure what the hype is about because I could care less to go see male strippers. The last thing I want is some man's ding dong all flopping around on stage. For goodness sake, it looks like Squidward's nose. Thank goodness my vagina is not closer to my face so I am not thinking about Spongebob every time I have sex! And the vagina does not resemble a flower. The closest thing to a plant it resembles is the Venus fly trap.
It is a high maintenance area. The hedge trimming alone is time consuming. And yeast infections? Ugh...HORRENDOUS! Not to mention once a month the ceiling of your uterus caves in and drops out your vagina. I just can't seem to imagine why I have a hard time viewing this part of my anatomy as a feature attraction (heavy with sarcasm)!
You are probably thinking by now I hate sex. Not true. However, I am realistic about it. As much as I would like to picture me slowly running my foot up along Ryan (Not a mispelling, sorry Brian but in my fantasies it's Ryan Gosling) Gosling's leg as he lays me down slowly I know in real life, my leg would cramp up, probably causing my toenails to rip into his skin of his calf. Which would in turn cause him to jump up quickly, probably giving me a quick elbow to the jaw as I reach for my spasming leg. And end scene.
Take the much hyped book 50 Shades of Grey. So not impressed with the book. The whole idea is so far fetched. A billionaire who is enraptured by a young, clumsy virgin...a virgin who goes from pure to nympho in 60 seconds. Desperate housewives of America are just in love with the idea of fantasy sex. In two months, they will go back to despising sex with their non-billionaire husbands who scratches his ass, mentions how sweaty his balls are, rips a fart and then tries to initiate sex.
I wonder how many libidos I just killed. And if you have...or think you have...the perfect vagina, keep it to yourself so I don't wallow in jealousy. I prefer to go on thinking all women share these issues. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Bottom line is the playground is still fun to play on. Just as long as all those play there know they enter at their own risk!
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